Tue, September 6, 2011
This movie is horseshit.
I'm a big fan of the movie Seabiscuit, and all biscuits. Seabiscuit is the one where Spiderman rides a horse to fix the great depression. So, i had high hopes for Secretariat. After sitting through an hour, and a half of this movie, I never was more in favor of alpo.
The movie stars a pretty blond lady, and some other people. John Malkovich is in it, and he's creepy, but not as creepy as the horse.
In the movie the blond lady's mom dies, and her dad is old and bored. So the blond lady leaves her family so she can go give hj's to horses for the rest of the movie. She uses her keen eye for horses, that she must have gotten while being a housewife for 20 years, and decides that a baby horse is going to be the greatest horse of all time. Which is bullshit, because the greatest horse of all time is Gandalf's horse, Shadowfax.
So the blond lady makes a bet with the guy who owned Babe, and also Senator Fred Thompson from L.A. Law is there too. The blond lady loses a coin toss, because women aren't good at that, and so she gets to keep the retarded horse, Secretariat, which is the one she really wanted in the first place. Oh, and when Secretariat is born in the movie, the baby horse falls back in the camera and it makes a loud thud and the camera moves around and they kept it in the movie. I shit you not. They kept it in the movie! This is the best part of the movie.
So Secretariat runs some races or something and yadda yadda yadda, blond lady's dad has a stroke. While she's talking to him about horses or something, you can clearly see that the heart monitor shows no heart beat. So he's dead, but nobody really cares.
Then the horse wins like every race and it makes some guy all mad and stuff, but the blond lady, her black slave, and some busy-body old lady who doesn't seem to do anything, all live happily ever after.
We are supposed to root for the blond lady, but it's hard, because she's a bitch. The blond lady had a family with like 5 kids who she abandoned because they are not horses. And her biggest problem in life is that she was only going to be a millionaire and not a multi-millionaire. And here we are sending money to Africa, when there are people like this in the world who really need our help.
The movie left me with a lot of questions. 1. Did the blond lady have sex with the black guy. 2. Did the blond lady have sex with the horse. 3. Did the black guy have sex with the horse.
Horrible movie. 4 out of 72 stars.