My Review Of Crack

I gotta say, I heard good things, but it wasn't all it's cracked up to be. That's my crack joke. The guys at the crack house love that one. I'm sort of the cutup there. Well, actually Jeff is the cutup. He cuts up the cocaine and mixes it with baking soda, but you know what I mean.  

Crack gets a lot of bad press, but you know how it is, everyone has to be a critic. 

A couple of weeks ago, I was reading about the benefits of meth in The New Yorker and then it dawned on me, why go with meth? Sure it's cheap, and perfectly safe in every way, but why not be like the hipsters, and pretend I'm a douchebag who still lives in the 90's? That's when I decided to try crack. Crack, the other white rock. 

First I want to be a responsible adult and explain to the kids out there, the truth about crack.

Kids, if you smoke crack

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X Factor's First Episode Review

American Idol, X Factor premiered last week, and I didn't watch it. But I'm still going to review it. Simon Cowell left American Idol last year because the show was getting boring, you can only listen to Randy Jackson say "dog," so many times before you begin to question how you spend your time. 

Of course Simon was replaced on American Idol by this pretty elderly lady:

And the show was the same as it always was. Boring. Jennifer Lopez was able to successfully use the show to get the coveted spokesperson position for the luxury high performance car: Fiat

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Movie Review of Secretariat

 

This movie is horseshit.

 

I'm a big fan of the movie Seabiscuit, and all biscuits. Seabiscuit is the one where Spiderman rides a horse to fix the great depression. So, i had high hopes for Secretariat. After sitting through an hour and half of this movie, I never was more in favor of Alpo and horse glue.

 

The movie stars a pretty blond lady, and some other people. John Malkovich is in it, and he's creepy, but not as creepy as the horse.

 

In the movie the blond lady's mom dies, and her dad is old and bored. So the blond lady leaves her family so she can go play horse lady for the rest of the movie. She uses her keen eye for horses, that she must have gotten while being a housewife for 20 years, and decides that a baby horse is going to be the greatest horse of all time.

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Burger King Dining Review

After weeks of trying unsuccessfully to make reservations over the phone, I decided to just go ahead and see If I could be lucky enough to get a table. I figured it was a long shot, but to my great surprise, I must have arrived at just the perfect time. There were very few diners at the local eatery called Burgèr King.

Once I arrived, I noticed the handsome combination of light brick and colorful plastic that helped to accent the large glass windows. A combination of traditional early American and modern design. The large glass windows gave a sense of openness and welcoming. The bright and drastic color motif told me immediately to be prepared for something daring and exciting for my palate.

I entered the establishment at the side entrance. I was there for an early supper menu. I must have arrived too early for the valet service. Once inside I noticed so many beautiful things, it was almost more than ones eyes and ears could process. But after taking a deep breath, I soaked in all of the sights and sounds. A smorgasbord of delightful colors, lights, and beeping noises soon became the backdrop for what would be one of the greatest meals I have ever had the great privilege of eating.

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