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Monday
Mar262012

The Hunger Games Review By Michael Noll

 

I've never read the very popular young adult novel, Hunger Games, but my girlfriend did. She seemed to think it was pretty great. I haven't really read any novel in a long time. Sure I read, but mostly just books like "Fallin' Up" by Taboo and the first half of Penthouse Letters. So, I didn't really know what to expect when I was forced against my will to see the movie "Hunger Games," this past weekend. All I really knew was that it was a futuristic Orwellian tale about young teens killing each other for a government run reality tv show. I assumed it was a musical. 

WARNING: THERE WILL BE SPOILERS

First let me say that I don't remember anyone's name. I don't remember the names of my friends or family. I sometimes even forget how old I am, or what year it is. Sometimes I forget to wear pants and then hang out in Arby's parking lots. So I'll just describe the characters the way I remember them. 

The movie begins with me asking my girlfriend if she'd like some popcorn. I'm on a diet and trying to get back in baller shape, but I love movie theater popcorn more than anything. I ask for extra butter. I would drink that fake butter straight if they let me. I would rub it all over my body and then take 5 years of yoga lessons, so i could be limber enough to lick it off my own body.

Then the movie begins. We see a girl who is waaaaay better looking than that mongloid chick from the Twilight movies. That chick from the twilight movies looks like she would have a hairy bottom. 

The movies takes place in a bleak future in which the government keeps a very tight control over everyone's lives and they have like a lotto thing in which a teenager from a district is selected to fight to death on a reality show. I don't know, read the book or something if you want the details, jeez, I'm not Wikipedia. 

I really liked the movie. I normally don't enjoy seeing young people get killed (i'm still mad that they showed Ron's ex-girlfriend being eaten in the last Harry Potter,) but the filmmakers handled it in the best way I think they could. Also, Woody from Cheers is in it. Sadly, Norm was not : / 

The movie definitely felt like a first chapter of a trilogy, which is a good thing. I can't wait to see the next one. I also can't wait to see my own taint after I finish doing that 5 years of yoga. 

My only complaint is that for some reason giant weird looking dogs grew out of the ground to eat people. I don't know what that was all about, I was in the bathroom for like 5 minutes before that happened. 

An embarrassing thing happened to me while I was in the bathroom. I walk in and look around to make sure I'm alone, that's important so I know whether or not i can release gasses while at the urinal. I didn't see a single person. So, I whip it out and pick it up off the floor and being to tinkle when I let out the loudest and longest fart and burp combo ever. It was epic. I rarely have gas, so when an event like this takes place, it's a special moment. Unfortunately right after I did this I heard someone make a loud disapproving groaning noise. there was a guy in the stall! I didn't see his feet. It was pretty terrible ... for him. And that's my review of The Hunger Games

I give it a 38 out of 43 stars! 

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

The Hunger Games rated PG 13 (For killing kids and weird dogs) 

Monday
Oct172011

My Review Of Crack

I gotta say, I heard good things, but it wasn't all it's cracked up to be. That's my crack joke. The guys at the crack house love that one. I'm sort of the cutup there. Well, actually Jeff is the cutup. He cuts up the cocaine and mixes it with baking soda, but you know what I mean.  

Crack gets a lot of bad press, but you know how it is, everyone has to be a critic. 

A couple of weeks ago, I was reading about the benefits of meth in The New Yorker and then it dawned on me, why go with meth? Sure it's cheap, and perfectly safe in every way, but why not be like the hipsters, and pretend I'm a douchebag who still lives in the 90's? That's when I decided to try crack. Crack, the other white rock. 

First I want to be a responsible adult and explain to the kids out there, the truth about crack.

Kids, if you smoke crack

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Saturday
Sep242011

X Factor's First Episode Review

American Idol, X Factor premiered last week, and I didn't watch it. But I'm still going to review it. Simon Cowell left American Idol last year because the show was getting boring, you can only listen to Randy Jackson say "dog," so many times before you begin to question how you spend your time. 

Of course Simon was replaced on American Idol by this pretty elderly lady:

And the show was the same as it always was. Boring. Jennifer Lopez was able to successfully use the show to get the coveted spokesperson position for the luxury high performance car: Fiat

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Tuesday
Sep062011

Movie Review of Secretariat

 

This movie is horseshit.
 
I'm a big fan of the movie Seabiscuit, and all biscuits. Seabiscuit is the one where Spiderman rides a horse to fix the great depression. So, i had high hopes for Secretariat. After sitting through an hour and half of this movie, I never was more in favor of Alpo and horse glue.
 
The movie stars a pretty blond lady, and some other people. John Malkovich is in it, and he's creepy, but not as creepy as the horse.
 
In the movie the blond lady's mom dies, and her dad is old and bored. So the blond lady leaves her family so she can go play horse lady for the rest of the movie. She uses her keen eye for horses, that she must have gotten while being a housewife for 20 years, and decides that a baby horse is going to be the greatest horse of all time.

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Tuesday
Aug232011

Burger King Dining Review

After weeks of trying unsuccessfully to make reservations over the phone, I decided to just go ahead and see If I could be lucky enough to get a table. I figured it was a long shot, but to my great surprise, I must have arrived at just the perfect time. There were very few diners at the local eatery called Burgèr King.

 

Once I arrived, I noticed the handsome combination of light brick and colorful plastic that helped to accent the large glass windows. A combination of traditional early American and modern design. The large glass windows gave a sense of openness and welcoming. The bright and drastic color motif told me immediately to be prepared for something daring and exciting for my palate.

I entered the establishment at the side entrance. I was there for an early supper menu. I must have arrived too early for the valet service. Once inside I noticed so many beautiful things, it was almost more than ones eyes and ears could process. But after taking a deep breath, I soaked in all of the sights and sounds. A smorgasbord of delightful colors, lights, and beeping noises soon became the backdrop for what would be one of the greatest meals I have ever had the great privilege of eating.

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