Most bars are terrible. Sure they have food, drinks, and tv's. You know what? I have food, drinks, and tv's at home. But what I don't have at home, are strangers.
3. The Guy Who Thinks You're Making Fun Of Him And Wants To Fight:
Some people just have rabbit ears and assume everything negative that they hear is about them. Add alcohol to that, and you have a recipe for a bar fight.
Just because you hear me say something about a "fat troll who looks like a cross between Frodo Baggins and a bucket of puss" does not mean I'm talking about you! You should have no reason to assume that is about you, unless in fact, deep down you believe that is a proper description of yourself.
I know when people get some liquid bravery in them they suddenly believe the bar is an octagon and they have to defend their honor against any possible offense, but I'm not talking about you. Settle down.
I'm talking about your mother.
2. The Unattractive Drunk Girl Who Thinks She's Extremely Attractive:
You weigh 550 lbs. You have acne on your neck. You are 36 years old. You smell like cigarettes and cat urine. You are wearing sandals and have dirt under your toenails. You have very hairy arms. You fart every time you burp. I've only been around you for 10 minutes and I already know this is an iron-clad fact. You have a belly ring that looks more like the pin in a grenade that is about to explode.
And on top of it all, you have a smell that is coming out of your mouth that makes me believe you either have a dead tooth, or a small animal crawled up into the space where your wisdom teeth used to be, took a little poop and then died.
So, no. No, I do not want to dance with you in this bar. But thank you for grabbing my arm and telling me that we doing so. Your voice sounds like Jabba The Hut mixed with a cars' transmission failing. You are drunk, you think you are hot, you think a lot of crazy things. At least the alcohol might help kill that dead tooth infection.
1. The Guy Who Thinks He's Very, Very Important:
Wow you have a band enjoyed by dozens? You made a movie that almost half of your family saw? You do stand up comedy in front of 5 of your friends? You are a poet who has done readings for 3 people at Starbucks? You are a painter who sells their work at that same Starbucks? You are a self-published author who wrote a book about how tough life was because your parents got divorced when you were 20? You are a photographer who takes the most dramatic pictures ever of door knobs? You make commercials for the local car dealership, the ones that make people franticly search for the remote control the moment they air? You are a D.J. who gave hundreds of people headaches last year? You just closed the deal with a new client for a company that I'm not sure is real? You have a website with your opinions on other people ... well ok, maybe that ones cool.
Every bar has everyone of these people. And they love to tell you about all the horrible crap they are doing that you honestly couldn't care any less about.
I am nowhere near as important as I sometimes think I am, but deep down, I know it. But some of you don't. Well, you should. I suck, which means you really, really suck. Embrace it.
Have a drink, do some jokes, take off your pants and maybe climb up into the drop ceiling for a little nap. Just don't make a fool of yourself.