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Tuesday
May012012

The 3 Worst People In A Bar

Most bars are terrible. Sure they have food, drinks, and tv's. You know what? I have food, drinks, and tv's at home. But what I don't have at home, are strangers. 

3. The Guy Who Thinks You're Making Fun Of Him And Wants To Fight:


Some people just have rabbit ears and assume everything negative that they hear is about them. Add alcohol to that, and you have a recipe for a bar fight. 

Just because you hear me say something about a "fat troll who looks like a cross between Frodo Baggins and a bucket of puss" does not mean I'm talking about you! You should have no reason to assume that is about you, unless in fact, deep down you believe that is a proper description of yourself.

I know when people get some liquid bravery in them they suddenly believe the bar is an octagon and they have to defend their honor against any possible offense, but I'm not talking about you. Settle down.

I'm talking about your mother.  

 

2. The Unattractive Drunk Girl Who Thinks She's Extremely Attractive:


You weigh 550 lbs. You have acne on your neck. You are 36 years old. You smell like cigarettes and cat urine. You are wearing sandals and have dirt under your toenails. You have very hairy arms. You fart every time you burp. I've only been around you for 10 minutes and I already know this is an iron-clad fact. You have a belly ring that looks more like the pin in a grenade that is about to explode.

And on top of it all, you have a smell that is coming out of your mouth that makes me believe you either have a dead tooth, or a small animal crawled up into the space where your wisdom teeth used to be, took a little poop and then died.

So, no. No, I do not want to dance with you in this bar. But thank you for grabbing my arm and telling me that we doing so. Your voice sounds like Jabba The Hut mixed with a cars' transmission failing. You are drunk, you think you are hot, you think a lot of crazy things. At least the alcohol might help kill that dead tooth infection.   

1. The Guy Who Thinks He's Very, Very Important: 

Wow you have a band enjoyed by dozens? You made a movie that almost half of your family saw? You do stand up comedy in front of 5 of your friends? You are a poet who has done readings for 3 people at Starbucks? You are a painter who sells their work at that same Starbucks? You are a self-published author who wrote a book about how tough life was because your parents got divorced when you were 20? You are a photographer who takes the most dramatic pictures ever of door knobs? You make commercials for the local car dealership, the ones that make people franticly search for the remote control the moment they air? You are a D.J. who gave hundreds of people headaches last year? You just closed the deal with a new client for a company that I'm not sure is real? You have a website with your opinions on other people ... well ok, maybe that ones cool. 

Every bar has everyone of these people. And they love to tell you about all the horrible crap they are doing that you honestly couldn't care any less about.  

I am nowhere near as important as I sometimes think I am, but deep down, I know it. But some of you don't. Well, you should. I suck, which means you really, really suck. Embrace it.

Have a drink, do some jokes, take off your pants and maybe climb up into the drop ceiling for a little nap. Just don't make a fool of yourself.

 

Wednesday
Apr182012

The 5 Kinds Of People That Are Destroying Western Civilization

5. People Who Don't Use Turn Signals - 

I've noticed lately that people have stopped raising their hand a full two inches from their iPhone and Taco in order to turn on their car's turn signal and let me know which way they are going. Oh, that's fine. No problem. Of course before turning, they break first. Breaking means that the cars behind them have to suddenly break as well, even though they had no reason to anticipate having to do so. But the people who don't use turn signals don't seem to care about this. This is the most important thing in the entire world and anyone who refuses to use their turn signal is worst than Hitler and I hope they get a brand new disease, a disease that is so rare it will have to be named after them. USE YOUR TURN SIGNAL! It's easy, and unlike your schwartz while watching "Dance Mom's" .... it's NOT hard!

Use your turn signal!!!!

4. Hipsters -


Look, I know you want to feel cool. I know you want to fit into some a group. I know you want to feel popular among a very small social group. I know that you suck really bad at sports, and I know you aren't smart enough to work for a tech company. It's ok. I understand. I myself once owned a pair of Cross Colors jeans. But I was 12 and I didn't know any better. You are in your 20's and 30's and following trends so closely that it just looks to your parents and myself like you are pathetic and desperate.

You really don't look very cool to anyone outside of your circle. I know you might think that all the regular people are jealous of your style and your American Apparel half shirt, the one that already comes with the pit stains, but really ... nobody is jealous of you. 

Normal people just kind of think you are a followers who are so desperate to fit in that you'll dress like a complete jackass so that the other jackasses will approve of you. It doesn't seem like you are individuals, or interesting people. It just seems like you don't wash yourself as much as you should, and are completely empty inside.

Try being yourself, no matter what that is. Whatever it is that you really are, just be that. If you do, and you don't care what people think, eventually you'll be cool. Because the only truly cool people in this world, are those who don't compromise themselves for the sake of popularity. Of course if deep down you suck as a person in every way, nobody will like you if you are yourself. So in that case, dress like a weirdo so that girls who refuse to shave their legs or guys who refuse to wear deodorant will want to make out with you.

3. The Kardashian Sisters - 


Q: What happens to people in this country who have no discernible skills, no talents, no signs of intelligence, no morals, no class, and no normal pants that fit? 

Click to read more ...

Wednesday
Oct192011

"Adult Baby" Gets To Keep YOUR Tax Dollars

 

After appearing on a Nation Geographic episode of Taboo, Stanley Thorton Jr. was exposed as collecting Social Security payments from the government. What is his disability? He's and "adult baby." No, for real. He claims he can not work because he is an adult baby. 

Watch:

We're paying for that diaper full of shit! 

You see after the episode aired, Sen. Tom Coburn called for a review of Stanley's SSI claim. After a review the Social Security Administration validated the claim! A claim that doesn't even come from Stanley's payroll taxes, but instead from the general fund, so those assholes are making YOU pay so Stanely Thorton Jr can buy more legos. And if that wasn't bad enough, Stanely is now demanding an apology from Sen. Coburn! What a baby. 

Maybe instead of occupying the people who work 12 hour days on Wall Street someone might want to have a drum circle outside the Social Security Administration building. It's not corporate fat cats sucking this country dry, it's fat guys in diapers. 

Monday
Sep262011

Facebook's Latest Changes Aren't The Worst Thing About Facebook

 

A lot of people on Facebook have been complaining about the latest changes to the site. They do this every single time there are changes to the site. Listen, I'm with ya, I don't like change either, right now I'm freakin' out over my coffee getting cold. I don't understand, it was hot just 20 minutes ago. I'm scared.

I remember what a fit people threw the last time there were changes, and the time before that, and the time before that. But then, people stopped complaining, because they got used to them. People probably don't even remember what the original Facebook site was like. I don't even remember if I wore pants yesterday. 

So, all this complaining every time Facebook decides to make a change and stay ahead of competing forces, is maybe, a little bit of a rush to judgement. However, there are things about Facebook that are complain worthy. 

Here's the list:

Click to read more ...

Tuesday
Sep202011

George Lucas

George Lucas is at it again. The filmmaker mostly known for producing the classic film noir, Howard The Duck, also made some movies called "Star Wars." It was about Stars fighting in Wars. It was pretty much awesome and made me, and every other human being who grew up in the 80's, have a reason to live. But then, George Lucas made .... the prequels. The PREQUELS! If you enjoyed The Phantom Menace, you are a bad human being.  

I tried. I tried so hard to like The Phantom Menace, and the other two buckets of vomit. But it was not easy. Mostly because they were unwatchable disasters that never should have been made, and once made should have quickly been thrown into a large metal drum, and buried miles below the earth's surface, and then exploded with a nuclear bomb so that nobody could ever see them. "Two Girls, One Cup" had a better plot than those movies.

But Lucas decided that making horrible prequels that featured things that were really, really stupid like:

- Darth Vader built C3PO but then didn't recognize his robot later in life.

- The Universe is pretty much just Washington DC, except with more E.T.'s in the senate.

- Darth Vader used to be a total wuss. Could you have made a dumber character? He starts out as a slave. (By the way, in the Phantom Menace, child slavery is not a fight that the Jedi seem to be interested in. They just accept that shit.) Then because he's crazy good at piloting a flying gokart, he no longer has to be a slave. So he leaves his mom to go with two strange men, so she can stay back on desert planet and continue to be a slave. She should have practiced on the gokarts more. Then year later, teen Darth gets all emo because he's not accepted right away by Samuel L. Jackson. So because of that, he joins the dark side. JUST BECAUSE OF THAT! What?! Hell, my life has been harder than that! Where is my dark side?! I'll join! I used to think Darth Vader wore all black because he was a badass, now I realize it's because he's just emo.

Click to read more ...

Tuesday
Sep062011

Barbara Walters Is Terrible

Barbara Walters, 154 years old, is a newscasting legend. She was the first to coin the phrase, "i'm braaaabraaa waaaaltuuuurs." 

Barbara Walters who brought us the view, Barbara Walters who made horrible celebrities, who we all hate, cry on her pre Oscar specials, Barbara Walters who wrote a book talking about how she had an affair with a married man, Barbara Walters who brought "truther," Rosie O'Donnell back to network television, is the same Barbara Walters who is also not-infamous for, but should be, giving a TOTAL PASS to Sean Connery for talking about beating women.

Click to read more ...