So I haven't been feeling well lately. Pretty much for the past 35 years I've felt like crap. I'm only 34. I didn't even feel good in the womb. When my mom was pregnant, she kept eating vegetables. Nobody likes those.
Throughout my life I've been an active guy. I played sports and I like working out. But in recent years, I really haven't felt so great. Then in the past few months I felt horrible. I felt like my heart was about to explode in my body and destroy the entire universe. The fact that I thought if my heart exploded the universe would explode is another issue for another post.
Anyhoo, I felt terrible and I knew something wasn't right.
So I ended up getting checked up a bit. An Arab heart doctor gave me some news. I only mention that he is an Arab because I believe he might be a member of Al Qaeda and my health issues are likely somehow retribution for the death of Osama Bin Laden. It's the only thing that makes sense. Why else would I have health issues? It couldn't possibly be from genetics, diet and extreme stress. Damn Al Qaeda!
According to Osama Bin My Heart Doctor, I have hypertension. I got the high blood pressure and I got it real bad. Crazy bad for my age, weight, height, dance skills and charming personality. You might like the zombie tv show but I'm the real Walking Dead. My blood pressure is super high. Even Willie Nelson thinks it's too high.
When Osama gave me the news, my blood pressure was ... drum roll ....
176 over 108
It should be like 120 over 80.
So Osama Bin My Heart Doctor says that I have to make the following major changes in my life:
First: Change my diet.
No more of that all salt diet I was on. I have to start eating celery, unsalted nuts and lots of fiber. I have to poop every day now, not just once a decade. I have to drink water and avoid delicious succulent salt.
I have to do a bunch of freakin cardio. I can't just lift weights, that is not good health. The terrorist said that I have to work my heart and lungs and not just my muscles. He also inquired as to why my right arm muscles are so much larger than my left and my penis is chaffed.
Third: Reduce stress.
This is a tough one for me. I'm not going to get into it (that's for the book,) but my life has always been very stressful. So now I have to find ways to reduce that stress. Finding ways to reduce stress is really stressful.
I can do yoga but I am not a woman or a homosexual. Not that their is anything wrong with either of those, but I just wouldn't be good at it. I could do meditation, which is difficult because I have internet.
I have to take this stuff seriously, more seriously than this post. I have a lot to live for, I'm getting hitched this year to a beautiful and amazing girl who seems fond of me, I have some family people who have varying degrees of affection for me, plus my awesome dog Sandy, who adores me, needs to go on walks every day. I can't just have my heart explode, it's rude.