Look At This Tiny Lizard That Is Going To Crawl Into Your Ear And Pee In Your Brain

It's ... it's ... adorable! I want like a thousand of these. I want to train them to crawl under my shoes and walk real fast so it looks like i'm sliding using magic. This is my only life goal. 

According to the liberal media these little lizards have just been discovered on the island of Madagascar. A place I don't believe is real because I had a public education.

They are so tiny you probably just inhaled like million of them and didn't even know it. They look like less scaly Snookis. 

Hey scientist, ever hear of a french manicure. Jeez.

Look at this little fella! He's adorable. ...

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The Coolest Advertising You'll See All Hour

This post is brought to you by me. I'd like to thank me for sponsoring myself, despite the recent sexist comments I publicly made about myself. 

He-Man's Sexy And He Knows It

I never really got LMFAO's song "Sexy And I know It," until now. Good job on this one Internet. Next I'd like to see someone make Adele's "Someone Like You," with Thundercats.

A Man Loses His Thumb And Replaces It With A Big Toe

Disgusting. All his door knobs smell like feet. 

Look at this:

He'd pick his nose but the shoe always gets in the way.

He fingered his girlfriend and gave her athlete's foot. 

He tried to hitchhike and instead became a Rockette.

I would include a link to the original story I found online, but I also had my thumb replaced with my big toe. So when I tried to type the internet address to the story on gizmodo.com, i accidentally drop-kicked my keyboard. 

Chinese Dog Does The Grocery Shopping

He's just lucky he's not a Korean dog. 

I tried to train my dog, Sandy to do the same thing. The results were mixed:

Stupid dog, she forgot the milk. 

Hippo With Massive Diarrhea

My poor little cat, named "Cat," hasn't been feeling well the past few days. The little fella has the trots. Besides ruining a blanket, and making me slightly less hungry for bean dip, the vet says he should be ok.

I bought the chips, Cat did the rest.

Cat's having a rough week. He's the bravest little fudge factory I've ever seen. Actually he gets a terrified look in his eyes right before he squirts. It's like he's saying "Why God? Why?" 

This is pretty much what's been going on:

Best Of Inanimate Object Faces

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