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Entries in movies (11)


Live Blogging The Oscars 

It's that time of year again, the time when Hollywood bends itself in half and sucks its own wiener for four fast paced hours of non stop speeches by sound editors and foreign people who made movies about elephants or whatever. 

I'll comment about stuff until I change the channel or get distracted with Harlem Shake videos.



7:43pm: I'm not watching the preshow because I don't care about the ladies outfits. However my outfit right now is jeans with a small hole in the crotch, and an orange t-shirt from Kohl's. 

7:58pm: My preshow predictions (not who I think should win) are Argo for best picture, Spielberg for best director, that catwoman chick for supporting actress, The Hunger Games girl for best actress, Tommy Lee Jones for supporting acting guy, Abraham Lincoln person for Abraham Lincoln movie, and Adele for singing stuff. I'm bad with names. 

8:48pm: Wow, I'd really like to make fun of Seth MacFarlane because I'm hateful, but he did a great job. Lots of inside jokes, and a nice song about boobs. I liked it. This is starting off horribly for me. 

Oh and Christoph Waltz won for best supporting actor. Good, I like him. He was great in that movie. I feel like I need more things to happen in this show that I can be angry about and mock. It's been almost an hour and I have nothing terrible to say. Jenny McCarthy is a dangerously stupid whore. There, it has nothing to do with the oscars, but I feel better. 

8:57pm: I have no idea what Paul Rudd and that giant green lady were talking about. 

9:07pm: Wow look at this old lady who just won for best cinematrapher, Claudio Miranda. 

9:11pm: What's with this movie about pie they keep talking about? I mean, I like pie, but I don't know if I want to watch an entire movie about it. Maybe if it was cake. 

9:24pm: Shirley Bassey is singing Goldfinger. I woke up the other day and wrote a similar song. I went to sleep with an itchy bottom. My song is called Brownfinger. 

She's 76 years old and just killed it singing that song. When I'm 76 I will be dead. 

9:39pm: They are showing clips from Lincoln. I love me some history. The John Adams miniseries is one of my favorite things ever. But the movie Lincoln was so dull, dreary, and bleak. An hour into the movie, I just wanted him to hurry up and go see a play. 

9:48pm: I'm reading a lot of criticism from the snobby Hollywood TV critics. Listen, they are all buddies with agents and like to have access, and they only get that if they are as snobby and self-important as the actors they suck up to all day. Seth MacFarlane is doing a great job, and I didn't expect to say so. He's turning off a lot the people in the room, but eff em. It's a TV show, and the younger audience might actually be watching this year. 

While I was writing that, some guy won for something. 

9:59pm: People are singing stuff. 

10:01pm: Wolverine and Catwoman are singing stuff with Borat. How is this just ok with everyone?  

10:15pm: I just ate a potato. 

10:19pm: Only me and my deceased Grandparents are getting that Sound Of Musical joke. Sigh ... I wish I was a deceased Grandparent :/  Someday.

10:23pm: Anne Hathaway won for that singing movie. Everyone makes fun of her hair. I think she looks good with short hair. I'm talking about her recent upskirt pictures. 

Glad she won, she's super good at acting.  

10:35pm: Adele is singing her James Bond song. I like Adele, everyone likes Adele. That's just something you have to say at all times so people don't hate you. But I actually do. That's also something you have to say at all times. 

11:20pm: I was in the bathroom for a long time. 

11:25pm: Glad the Argo guy won for adapted screenplay and really glad that Quentin Tarantino won for best original screenplay. Now I feel completely free to use the N-word in all of my writing. You are all going to love my children's book. 

11:34pm: Ang Lee just won for that movie about pie! I loved that Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon movie, and even that gay cowboy movie he did. The gay scenes were a bit much. It got a little hard watching them. Wait, I don't mean "hard" like that, I mean I'm just saying as a straight guy it wasn't all that fun to see Jake Gyllenhaal and The Joker buttsexin. Not that there is anything wrong with that, it's just not my cup of tea. My cup of tea has very little buttsexin. What I'm trying to say is I like Ang Lee. Except for when he made The Hulk, that was gay. 

11:44pm: Jennifer Lawrence won for Silver Linings Playbook. I love that movie, she was great. I have nothing negative to say about her. She wont take her top off. Ok, so I have one negative thing to say about her. 

11:48pm: Daniel Day Lewis won for Lincoln. He's good at acting. 

11:53pm: Michelle Obama? Oh c'mon, you have zero to do with movies and you are wearing a wig. I'm sick of all politicians. ALL OF THEM. Stop trying to ruin a really long show that I'm getting sick of! Don't you have better things to do than this? I would hope so, but apparently not. You might be a really nice lady, but I just don't want to see you on this. I don't want to see Jack Nicholson on this either. I'm sick of him too.

Whatever. Argo won. Good. I really liked that movie, and Ben Affleck has become a great director. I need to find something horrible to say to close this. But I enjoyed this show and I like the people who won. So I can't really think of anything to close with. 

Except for this. Just remember, you spent four hours of your life watching strangers give themselves awards. That is four hours you are closer to your death. 

Ok, this has been fun, good night everybody! I don't hate you! X0X0




The Amazing Spider-Man Review! (From Someone Who Has Not Seen It)

(Disclaimer, besides having not seen the movie, I also have done zero research. I didn't even bother to read for basic information.)

About a decade or something after that mongoloid Toby Maguire upside-down made out with snaggle-tooth, we finally have a brand new version of Spider-Man. Spider-Man is of course the story of a young man who is bitten by a radioactive spider, a spider that gives him super powers. I've been bitten by like thousands of spiders and the only super power I seem to have is a shy bladder.  

The new Spider-Man is played by Andrew Garfield who was in that facebook movie. The love interest in the movie is that girl whose name I always forget, but she was in that movie with that fat kid who isn't so fat anymore. Btw, in real life that girl and Garfield are a couple. That's a fact maybe, whatever.

The villain of the movie is a lizard. 


I did not care for this film. Spider-Man to me will always be that mongoloid Toby Maguire. I like him. Garfield is a foreigner, therefore I do not trust him. Also the movie was too long probably and the dialogue was poorly written maybe. 

I did really enjoy the effects and the massive amount of full frontal nudity.  

The Avengers and The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel are still my favorite super hero movies of the summer. 

I give The Amazing Spider-Man, which I have not seen ... 29 out of 43 stars. 



Nora Ephron Was Kinda Awesome


I'm kinda not happy about Nora Ephron dying. I liked all her sappy movies. I liked them a lot. I'm not afraid to admit it. They were really good. I would watch "When Harry Met Sally" over and over again when I was young. I'd pretend it was the story of me and my imaginary girlfriend. And then I used hand lotion. 

I also really love "You've Got Mail." Before Meg Ryan fugged up her face, she had it going on and that movie was great. 

If you haven't seen them, go watch her movies and have your period. I have and I did.


4 Famous Movie Scenes Now Improved With Cats


Not bad. Though I feel like the drawing should have been more realistic. If Kate Winslet can show her two why can't this kitty show it's six. 



Fun fact: in the original movie they used chocolate syrup for the blood seen going down the drain. Since the movie was in black and white the audience was never the wiser. Fun fact no 2: The human body has chocolate syrup inside of it for blood.


The Shining Cat:

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The Avengers Review By Michael Noll


Marvel's The Avengers is a huge smash-bang-epic-fun, summer blockbuster that just shattered the U.S. opening weekend box office record. I had been really looking forward to this movie, I liked the first Iron Man movie, I liked Thor, I liked Captain America, and I liked Lost In Translation. It wasn't as great as I had hoped it would be. A little slow at the beginning and at times it had Transformer's Syndrome, that's where there is so much going on all at once that your eyes bleed a little, and you pee a bit. But after watching it a 2nd time, I've decided that it's just a ton of fun. 

Here is a recap of what I thought of the many, many characters in the movie:

Iron Man:

Robert Downey Jr. was offered the role of Iron Man after Ed Begley Jr. turned it down due to prior commitments. He owns the role. Anyone who is familiar with the comic knows that Tony Stark is a lovable, egotistical, sarcastic, hot headed, genius. I can dig that. Actually I'm sort of working on my own version of an Iron Man suit of armor. I figure, I'm smart, I have a certain confidence, I can totally do that in real life. Sure, I don't have billions of dollars so it's just me running around my street nude with a pan on my head. But I'm working on upgrades.


Thor Tha Thor Thor Thooooor. I like Thor. He talks fancy but he fights with a hammer like the guy in Old Boy. Thor is sort of the reason for the Avengers. I don't remember exactly why because they guy next to me in the theater had kicking breath and was wearing Brut. 

Captain America:

I kind of hated Chris Evans after I saw him in that HORRIBLE Fantastic Four movie. But, I have to say,

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First Look At Gandalf From The Hobbit


One of the movies I'm looking forward to most this years is The Hobbit. The long awaited sequel to Iron Man. The Hobbit is of course the story of Harry Potter and Robocop who fight the Na'Vi, but will they ever get off that island and discover the truth of the Dharma Initiative? I can't wait to find out. 

So far it looks way better than the new Spiderman movie. 



The Hunger Games Review By Michael Noll


I've never read the very popular young adult novel, Hunger Games, but my girlfriend did. She seemed to think it was pretty great. I haven't really read any novel in a long time. Sure I read, but mostly just books like "Fallin' Up" by Taboo and the first half of Penthouse Letters. So, I didn't really know what to expect when I was forced against my will to see the movie "Hunger Games," this past weekend. All I really knew was that it was a futuristic Orwellian tale about young teens killing each other for a government run reality tv show. I assumed it was a musical. 


First let me say that I don't remember anyone's name. I don't remember the names of my friends or family. I sometimes even forget how old I am, or what year it is. Sometimes I forget to wear pants and then hang out in Arby's parking lots. So I'll just describe the characters the way I remember them. 

The movie begins with me asking my girlfriend if she'd like some popcorn. I'm on a diet and trying to get back in baller shape, but I love movie theater popcorn more than anything. I ask for extra butter. I would drink that fake butter straight if they let me. I would rub it all over my body and then take 5 years of yoga lessons, so i could be limber enough to lick it off my own body.

Then the movie begins. We see a girl who is waaaaay better looking than that mongloid chick from the Twilight movies. That chick from the twilight movies looks like she would have a hairy bottom. 

The movies takes place in a bleak future in which the government keeps a very tight control over everyone's lives and they have like a lotto thing in which a teenager from a district is selected to fight to death on a reality show. I don't know, read the book or something if you want the details, jeez, I'm not Wikipedia. 

I really liked the movie. I normally don't enjoy seeing young people get killed (i'm still mad that they showed Ron's ex-girlfriend being eaten in the last Harry Potter,) but the filmmakers handled it in the best way I think they could. Also, Woody from Cheers is in it. Sadly, Norm was not : / 

The movie definitely felt like a first chapter of a trilogy, which is a good thing. I can't wait to see the next one. I also can't wait to see my own taint after I finish doing that 5 years of yoga. 

My only complaint is that for some reason giant weird looking dogs grew out of the ground to eat people. I don't know what that was all about, I was in the bathroom for like 5 minutes before that happened. 

An embarrassing thing happened to me while I was in the bathroom. I walk in and look around to make sure I'm alone, that's important so I know whether or not i can release gasses while at the urinal. I didn't see a single person. So, I whip it out and pick it up off the floor and being to tinkle when I let out the loudest and longest fart and burp combo ever. It was epic. I rarely have gas, so when an event like this takes place, it's a special moment. Unfortunately right after I did this I heard someone make a loud disapproving groaning noise. there was a guy in the stall! I didn't see his feet. It was pretty terrible ... for him. And that's my review of The Hunger Games

I give it a 38 out of 43 stars! 


The Hunger Games rated PG 13 (For killing kids and weird dogs)