It's that time of year again, the time when Hollywood bends itself in half and sucks its own wiener for four fast paced hours of non stop speeches by sound editors and foreign people who made movies about elephants or whatever.
I'll comment about stuff until I change the channel or get distracted with Harlem Shake videos.
REFRESH YOUR BROWSER EVERY TEN MINUTES OR SO FOR UPDATES. I don't know why I'm shouting at you.
7:43pm: I'm not watching the preshow because I don't care about the ladies outfits. However my outfit right now is jeans with a small hole in the crotch, and an orange t-shirt from Kohl's.
7:58pm: My preshow predictions (not who I think should win) are Argo for best picture, Spielberg for best director, that catwoman chick for supporting actress, The Hunger Games girl for best actress, Tommy Lee Jones for supporting acting guy, Abraham Lincoln person for Abraham Lincoln movie, and Adele for singing stuff. I'm bad with names.
8:48pm: Wow, I'd really like to make fun of Seth MacFarlane because I'm hateful, but he did a great job. Lots of inside jokes, and a nice song about boobs. I liked it. This is starting off horribly for me.
Oh and Christoph Waltz won for best supporting actor. Good, I like him. He was great in that movie. I feel like I need more things to happen in this show that I can be angry about and mock. It's been almost an hour and I have nothing terrible to say. Jenny McCarthy is a dangerously stupid whore. There, it has nothing to do with the oscars, but I feel better.
8:57pm: I have no idea what Paul Rudd and that giant green lady were talking about.
9:07pm: Wow look at this old lady who just won for best cinematrapher, Claudio Miranda.
9:11pm: What's with this movie about pie they keep talking about? I mean, I like pie, but I don't know if I want to watch an entire movie about it. Maybe if it was cake.
9:24pm: Shirley Bassey is singing Goldfinger. I woke up the other day and wrote a similar song. I went to sleep with an itchy bottom. My song is called Brownfinger.
She's 76 years old and just killed it singing that song. When I'm 76 I will be dead.
9:39pm: They are showing clips from Lincoln. I love me some history. The John Adams miniseries is one of my favorite things ever. But the movie Lincoln was so dull, dreary, and bleak. An hour into the movie, I just wanted him to hurry up and go see a play.
9:48pm: I'm reading a lot of criticism from the snobby Hollywood TV critics. Listen, they are all buddies with agents and like to have access, and they only get that if they are as snobby and self-important as the actors they suck up to all day. Seth MacFarlane is doing a great job, and I didn't expect to say so. He's turning off a lot the people in the room, but eff em. It's a TV show, and the younger audience might actually be watching this year.
While I was writing that, some guy won for something.
9:59pm: People are singing stuff.
10:01pm: Wolverine and Catwoman are singing stuff with Borat. How is this just ok with everyone?
10:15pm: I just ate a potato.
10:19pm: Only me and my deceased Grandparents are getting that Sound Of Musical joke. Sigh ... I wish I was a deceased Grandparent :/ Someday.
10:23pm: Anne Hathaway won for that singing movie. Everyone makes fun of her hair. I think she looks good with short hair. I'm talking about her recent upskirt pictures.
Glad she won, she's super good at acting.
10:35pm: Adele is singing her James Bond song. I like Adele, everyone likes Adele. That's just something you have to say at all times so people don't hate you. But I actually do. That's also something you have to say at all times.
11:20pm: I was in the bathroom for a long time.
11:25pm: Glad the Argo guy won for adapted screenplay and really glad that Quentin Tarantino won for best original screenplay. Now I feel completely free to use the N-word in all of my writing. You are all going to love my children's book.
11:34pm: Ang Lee just won for that movie about pie! I loved that Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon movie, and even that gay cowboy movie he did. The gay scenes were a bit much. It got a little hard watching them. Wait, I don't mean "hard" like that, I mean I'm just saying as a straight guy it wasn't all that fun to see Jake Gyllenhaal and The Joker buttsexin. Not that there is anything wrong with that, it's just not my cup of tea. My cup of tea has very little buttsexin. What I'm trying to say is I like Ang Lee. Except for when he made The Hulk, that was gay.
11:44pm: Jennifer Lawrence won for Silver Linings Playbook. I love that movie, she was great. I have nothing negative to say about her. She wont take her top off. Ok, so I have one negative thing to say about her.
11:48pm: Daniel Day Lewis won for Lincoln. He's good at acting.
11:53pm: Michelle Obama? Oh c'mon, you have zero to do with movies and you are wearing a wig. I'm sick of all politicians. ALL OF THEM. Stop trying to ruin a really long show that I'm getting sick of! Don't you have better things to do than this? I would hope so, but apparently not. You might be a really nice lady, but I just don't want to see you on this. I don't want to see Jack Nicholson on this either. I'm sick of him too.
Whatever. Argo won. Good. I really liked that movie, and Ben Affleck has become a great director. I need to find something horrible to say to close this. But I enjoyed this show and I like the people who won. So I can't really think of anything to close with.
Except for this. Just remember, you spent four hours of your life watching strangers give themselves awards. That is four hours you are closer to your death.
Ok, this has been fun, good night everybody! I don't hate you! X0X0