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Entries in michael noll (14)

Sunday
Feb242013

Live Blogging The Oscars 

It's that time of year again, the time when Hollywood bends itself in half and sucks its own wiener for four fast paced hours of non stop speeches by sound editors and foreign people who made movies about elephants or whatever. 

I'll comment about stuff until I change the channel or get distracted with Harlem Shake videos.

REFRESH YOUR BROWSER EVERY TEN MINUTES OR SO FOR UPDATES. I don't know why I'm shouting at you. 

 

7:43pm: I'm not watching the preshow because I don't care about the ladies outfits. However my outfit right now is jeans with a small hole in the crotch, and an orange t-shirt from Kohl's. 

7:58pm: My preshow predictions (not who I think should win) are Argo for best picture, Spielberg for best director, that catwoman chick for supporting actress, The Hunger Games girl for best actress, Tommy Lee Jones for supporting acting guy, Abraham Lincoln person for Abraham Lincoln movie, and Adele for singing stuff. I'm bad with names. 

8:48pm: Wow, I'd really like to make fun of Seth MacFarlane because I'm hateful, but he did a great job. Lots of inside jokes, and a nice song about boobs. I liked it. This is starting off horribly for me. 

Oh and Christoph Waltz won for best supporting actor. Good, I like him. He was great in that movie. I feel like I need more things to happen in this show that I can be angry about and mock. It's been almost an hour and I have nothing terrible to say. Jenny McCarthy is a dangerously stupid whore. There, it has nothing to do with the oscars, but I feel better. 

8:57pm: I have no idea what Paul Rudd and that giant green lady were talking about. 

9:07pm: Wow look at this old lady who just won for best cinematrapher, Claudio Miranda. 

9:11pm: What's with this movie about pie they keep talking about? I mean, I like pie, but I don't know if I want to watch an entire movie about it. Maybe if it was cake. 

9:24pm: Shirley Bassey is singing Goldfinger. I woke up the other day and wrote a similar song. I went to sleep with an itchy bottom. My song is called Brownfinger. 

She's 76 years old and just killed it singing that song. When I'm 76 I will be dead. 

9:39pm: They are showing clips from Lincoln. I love me some history. The John Adams miniseries is one of my favorite things ever. But the movie Lincoln was so dull, dreary, and bleak. An hour into the movie, I just wanted him to hurry up and go see a play. 

9:48pm: I'm reading a lot of criticism from the snobby Hollywood TV critics. Listen, they are all buddies with agents and like to have access, and they only get that if they are as snobby and self-important as the actors they suck up to all day. Seth MacFarlane is doing a great job, and I didn't expect to say so. He's turning off a lot the people in the room, but eff em. It's a TV show, and the younger audience might actually be watching this year. 

While I was writing that, some guy won for something. 

9:59pm: People are singing stuff. 

10:01pm: Wolverine and Catwoman are singing stuff with Borat. How is this just ok with everyone?  

10:15pm: I just ate a potato. 

10:19pm: Only me and my deceased Grandparents are getting that Sound Of Musical joke. Sigh ... I wish I was a deceased Grandparent :/  Someday.

10:23pm: Anne Hathaway won for that singing movie. Everyone makes fun of her hair. I think she looks good with short hair. I'm talking about her recent upskirt pictures. 

Glad she won, she's super good at acting.  

10:35pm: Adele is singing her James Bond song. I like Adele, everyone likes Adele. That's just something you have to say at all times so people don't hate you. But I actually do. That's also something you have to say at all times. 

11:20pm: I was in the bathroom for a long time. 

11:25pm: Glad the Argo guy won for adapted screenplay and really glad that Quentin Tarantino won for best original screenplay. Now I feel completely free to use the N-word in all of my writing. You are all going to love my children's book. 

11:34pm: Ang Lee just won for that movie about pie! I loved that Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon movie, and even that gay cowboy movie he did. The gay scenes were a bit much. It got a little hard watching them. Wait, I don't mean "hard" like that, I mean I'm just saying as a straight guy it wasn't all that fun to see Jake Gyllenhaal and The Joker buttsexin. Not that there is anything wrong with that, it's just not my cup of tea. My cup of tea has very little buttsexin. What I'm trying to say is I like Ang Lee. Except for when he made The Hulk, that was gay. 

11:44pm: Jennifer Lawrence won for Silver Linings Playbook. I love that movie, she was great. I have nothing negative to say about her. She wont take her top off. Ok, so I have one negative thing to say about her. 

11:48pm: Daniel Day Lewis won for Lincoln. He's good at acting. 

11:53pm: Michelle Obama? Oh c'mon, you have zero to do with movies and you are wearing a wig. I'm sick of all politicians. ALL OF THEM. Stop trying to ruin a really long show that I'm getting sick of! Don't you have better things to do than this? I would hope so, but apparently not. You might be a really nice lady, but I just don't want to see you on this. I don't want to see Jack Nicholson on this either. I'm sick of him too.

Whatever. Argo won. Good. I really liked that movie, and Ben Affleck has become a great director. I need to find something horrible to say to close this. But I enjoyed this show and I like the people who won. So I can't really think of anything to close with. 

Except for this. Just remember, you spent four hours of your life watching strangers give themselves awards. That is four hours you are closer to your death. 

Ok, this has been fun, good night everybody! I don't hate you! X0X0

 

 

Thursday
Nov222012

My Five Greatest Childhood Fears

Believe it or not, I was once a child. See: 

 

 

A perfectly normal human child. 

But I had many fears as a child. When I was a kid I was terrified of them, but now that I'm in my 30's I can look back at them and ... I'm still terrified of them. 

5. The Booger Man -


I got this one a little mixed up. I misheard people saying "Boogeyman" and I believed there was an actual creature made mostly out of boogers. I used to think I saw him hiding behind my tree in the backyard. I sorta thought how it worked was, if you have boogers, he wants them to add to his body. So, I used to take the boogers out of my nose and flush them down the toilet so he wouldn't break into my house and go through my wastebasket. Also, I feared he would murder me.

4. Todd -

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Monday
Jul162012

Five Big Lies Adults Tell You When You're A Kid

  

 

We are told so many lies when we are kids. By the time we're teenagers, we begin to suspect it. That's why teens go goth. Here are 5 of the biggest lies adults tell kids:

 

5. Santa Claus Gives You Presents -


And you wonder why your children are stupid, and grow up with crushed souls. 

You spend the early years of life being told a wonderful lie. There is a magical old man who uses his magic powers and his magic reindeer to deliver awesome presents to you and all the other good kids all over the world. Wow, if that's possible than almost anything is possible. The entire world is like one big Harry Potter movie (I didn't say book, because I don't read,) that's fantastic! 

There is nothing you can't do, nothing you can't become or accomplish because you live in a world that has actual magic! Then you turn 6 and you learn it was just your parents buying you the wrong G.I. Joes, not magical elves. First you are like, "well, at least I don't have to be pissed off at the elves anymore," then you are like, "oh yeah, and my parents and every adult in my life is a filthy liar."

Your soul is now crushed. You will never really believe any adult again, and you will grow up to be cynical and skeptical about anything and everything that seems to be amazing. That dirty old man next door didn't take away your innocence. Santa Claus did. 

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Tuesday
May082012

The Avengers Review By Michael Noll

 

Marvel's The Avengers is a huge smash-bang-epic-fun, summer blockbuster that just shattered the U.S. opening weekend box office record. I had been really looking forward to this movie, I liked the first Iron Man movie, I liked Thor, I liked Captain America, and I liked Lost In Translation. It wasn't as great as I had hoped it would be. A little slow at the beginning and at times it had Transformer's Syndrome, that's where there is so much going on all at once that your eyes bleed a little, and you pee a bit. But after watching it a 2nd time, I've decided that it's just a ton of fun. 

Here is a recap of what I thought of the many, many characters in the movie:

Iron Man:

Robert Downey Jr. was offered the role of Iron Man after Ed Begley Jr. turned it down due to prior commitments. He owns the role. Anyone who is familiar with the comic knows that Tony Stark is a lovable, egotistical, sarcastic, hot headed, genius. I can dig that. Actually I'm sort of working on my own version of an Iron Man suit of armor. I figure, I'm smart, I have a certain confidence, I can totally do that in real life. Sure, I don't have billions of dollars so it's just me running around my street nude with a pan on my head. But I'm working on upgrades.

Thor:

Thor Tha Thor Thor Thooooor. I like Thor. He talks fancy but he fights with a hammer like the guy in Old Boy. Thor is sort of the reason for the Avengers. I don't remember exactly why because they guy next to me in the theater had kicking breath and was wearing Brut. 

Captain America:

I kind of hated Chris Evans after I saw him in that HORRIBLE Fantastic Four movie. But, I have to say,

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Thursday
Mar222012

Michael Noll's Relationship Advice

 

Important Note: Michael Noll has literally no professional experience or even a basic education. He was considered to be "feral" until the age of 16. Taking any advice from him should be considered dangerous and really irresponsible on your part.

A couple weeks ago on tumblr and facebook I asked people to send me their real relationship questions. I was surprised by how many thoughtful responses people sent me. Here is my thoughtless advice: 

 - Anonymous Guy from Los Angeles

"Hey Michael, here is my question. I've been friends with this girl for a lot of years. We made out once a few weeks ago. We were drunk. But now I think she wants to date me. I might be interested. What should I do next?" 

Dear Anonymous Guy from Los Angeles,

I would get an AIDS test. She might have given you AIDS. Hope that helps.   

- Anonymous Girl From Ohio

Help Michael Noll, my boyfriend has bad style! He wears tapout t-shirts and sneakers with jeans. I want to change how he dresses but I don't want to hurt his feelings. What should I say to him? 

Dear Anonymous Girl From Ohio,

If he wears Tapout t-shirts he is clearly a professional fighter, so I would be very cautious when confronting him. Just calmly explain to him that you feel he could try expanding his wardrobe. Maybe adding some classier brands. Things like Ed Hardy, Affliction, and t-shirts with Bud Light logos. Also, I would revaluate all of my life decisions, stop frosting my hair, and move to a new state. 

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Monday
Jan162012

Everyone Needs A Hobby

I'm back from my hiatus. I just needed a break from all of you horrible people. You understand don't you? You understand that you are horrible people, right? Horrible, just horrible people. 

I can't really explain what I did over my long vacation. But this video is close:

Wednesday
Dec072011

Mark Zuckerberg's Private Facebook Pics Revealed By Facebook Glitch

According to the news, the multi-billionaire creator of Facebook had his private Facebook pics revealed by a security glitch on Facebook. Pictures like these:

This is obviously the beginning of some kind of sick kinky billionaire, seven-some.


Here he is with his long time girlfriend. This is shocking. Who knew he was like this?


 

He's quite the hunter.

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