Michael Noll's Relationship Advice

Important Note: Michael Noll has literally no professional experience or even a basic education. He was considered to be "feral" until the age of 16. Taking any advice from him should be considered dangerous and really irresponsible on your part.

A couple weeks ago on tumblr and facebook I asked people to send me their real relationship questions. I was surprised by how many thoughtful responses people sent me. Here is my thoughtless advice: 

 - Anonymous Guy from Los Angeles

"Hey Michael, here is my question. I've been friends with this girl for a lot of years. We made out once a few weeks ago. We were drunk. But now I think she wants to date me. I might be interested. What should I do next?" 

Dear Anonymous Guy from Los Angeles,

I would get an AIDS test. She might have given you AIDS. Hope that helps.   

- Anonymous Girl From Ohio

Help Michael Noll, my boyfriend has bad style! He wears tapout t-shirts and sneakers with jeans. I want to change how he dresses but I don't want to hurt his feelings. What should I say to him? 

Dear Anonymous Girl From Ohio,

If he wears Tapout t-shirts he is clearly a professional fighter, so I would be very cautious when confronting him. Just calmly explain to him that you feel he could try expanding his wardrobe. Maybe adding some classier brands. Things like Ed Hardy, Affliction, and t-shirts with Bud Light logos. Also, I would revaluate all of my life decisions, stop frosting my hair, and move to a new state. 

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Despot Valentine's Day Cards

Nothing says I love you like tyrannical cruel leaders who starve their people in order to control them and maintain power. Adorable. 

Cute Video On How To Pick Up A Girl On The Train

I made a funny video like this on the subway once. I called it "Boy Meets Girl Of His Dreams," the police called it "evidence." I'm just kidding, that didn't happen. I'm not allowed on public transportation.