Kid Takes On The World

Welcome to Earth.

The Best Foreign Dad And His Adorable Kids Cover Of Depeche Mode's "Everything Counts" You'll See All Hour

Someday when I have kids I'm going to make videos with them just like this. But I have no musical talent and dislike the company of children. So I guess what I really mean is that I plan to video my feral children running around in the backyard fighting over food scraps with with neighborhood dogs. 

But until that video is on youtube, check this out:

The Future Of Metal

If you are like me, you like metal. It's a great alloy. It's a wonderful conductor of electricity and is malleable. If you are like the weird stoner I always see walking down my street, with a Mudvayne t-shirt and stone-washed jeans, then you like heavy metal music. 

"let's open up this pit"

To me heavy metal music kind of died when Counting Crows broke up. But it looks like the music genre has a bright future. Meet Juliet, an 8 year old who loves her dog and fish. 

Kids Are Terrible Fighters

Few things are cuter than when young children first learn violence. It was a cute, but horrible fight. I lost a lot money on this one. I'd better stick to betting on horse fighting. 

Kids Cereal Mockery Looks Delicious

Artist Ron English recently went to a Venice, CA Ralph's and replaced many of the cereal boxes with his own versions. 

I know he's trying to make a point about how cereals aimed at kids have too much sugar, but actually he just made kids want them more. Kids eat gross things because they are gross. Gross is fun. I saw a kid once blow snot onto a plate and eat it with the same spoon he used to finish his yogurt. Sugar Frosted Fat would fly off the shelves, and Sugar Diabetic Bear looks adorable.

Apparently he has no problem with Cinnamon Toast Crunch or Apple Cinnamon Cheerios. 

I don't know about all this. I don't think kids have too much sugar in their diets:

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Report Claims Spongebob Causes Shorter Attention Span In Children

According to a study, (which I believe is a room in a home used as an office or library,) kids who watch Spongebob Squarepants have shorter attention spans than kids who watch, I don't know, The Newshour With Jim Lehrer. 

You know what else gives kids short attention spans? EVERYTHING!

Kids are like cute little meth heads. Meth heads that smell bad and do disgusting things constantly. If you have a small child, count how many times a day the kid puts it's finger in it's nose, it's butt, and then it's mouth. Then count how many times he or she pays attention to anything at all that you say. Cartoons are not the problem. Kids are insane. 

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Michel & Sven Do A Magic Trick

I've only been able to watch this 10,000 times today, because I had to fit in a bathroom break. 

Not only did they mess up the end of the trick, they can't even spell "Michael" and "Steven" correctly. Dumb Amish kids. 

Update on Fri, September 9, 2011 by Michael Noll

By the way, the blond kid was not harmed in this video (according to the original German source.) So you don't have to feel guilty for enjoying it. However, after his father came home, both boys were likely severely beaten. But that video is less funny.