My Five Greatest Childhood Fears

Believe it or not, I was once a child. See: 

A perfectly normal human child. 

But I had many fears as a child. When I was a kid I was terrified of them, but now that I'm in my 30's I can look back at them and ... I'm still terrified of them. 

5. The Booger Man -

I got this one a little mixed up. I misheard people saying "Boogeyman" and I believed there was an actual creature made mostly out of boogers. I used to think I saw him hiding behind my tree in the backyard. I sorta thought how it worked was, if you have boogers, he wants them to add to his body. So, I used to take the boogers out of my nose and flush them down the toilet so he wouldn't break into my house and go through my wastebasket. Also, I feared he would murder me.

4. Todd -

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Vegetables Gone Wild!

I'm not big on vegetables. I don't understand why they even exist. If God meant for us to eat vegetables then he would have made them out of meat. You don't eat trees do you? And they are just big vegetables made of wood. Don't argue, my logic is flawless. 

Another reason I don't eat vegetables is because they are nasty. Like "nasty" in a very inappropriate way. Vegetables are degenerates. 

Here are some examples of vegetables gone wild:

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5 Disgusting Things People Secretly Do

5. Hoping you get a pimple in a discreet place so you can pop it.

We do everything we can to prevent zits on our face. They look terrible and leave us feeling very self-conscious. However, deep down, we love pimples. They are like popping those bubbles in packaging wrap, except popping a zit has a free prize inside. The moment of relief you feel when that bump of disgusting oily infection explodes between your fingers is unlike any other feeling, ever. Maybe the closest thing would be landing on the moon, or winning a gold medal. Popping a huge pimple is my gold medal. A black head is a silver medal, and a splinter is the bronze. Nobody wants the bronze.

4. Searching for a huge chunk of wax in your ear.

Sometimes a Q-tip just doesn't get the job done, and your pinky finger or little toe are just way too large. That's when you get creative. That's when you find the paper clip and you do what is necessary. You search. 

I'm pretty sure most doctors would agree that blindly placing a small metal object into your ear canal looking for something to remove, is a smart idea. I once found a Tic-Tac in my ear. What if I hadn't found that? That could have been very dangerous. And it was only moments after I put a Tic-Tac in my ear. 

3. Guessing how much you left in the toilet and then looking.

Forget Monopoly and Scrabble, America's favorite game is "How much no. 2 did I just make?" We all play it, some of us who eat a lot of bean dip, play it several times a day. And it's not as easy as it would seem. It can be very tricky. You have to develop some real skills to be good at this game. I've gotten pretty good at it, but that's only because of practice and strategy. 

You have to have a system to be good at this. You can't always tell if you made a lot or a little just from feel. I ask myself these questions before I look:

- "What have I eaten since the last time I did this?"

- "How much of a splash, if any, did I feel on my cheeks? 

- "What was the reaction of the Chinese lady (the one I pay to watch me) after I made?"

Usually I can take these clues and make and educated guess. But, then I'm still wrong like half the time, and sometimes it just looks odd. I should probably see a doctor. 

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Watch This Dog Go Nuts Over The Toilet Flushing

He's just upset because he had planned to eat that poop. He's really upset though. Take a good look, he's that special kind of angry where you actually get a chubby. You know, like when you get cut off in traffic and so you follow the person home, hide in their garage overnight and plot. We've all been there.