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Entries in funny (35)


What I'm Secretly Thinking

We all have secret thoughts. Just little things we think and keep to ourselves. I have many secret thoughts. And I'm still going to keep most of them to myself. But here are some that wont create an international incident. 


Secret Thought: 

When I eat pretzel sticks, I pretend they are logs and that I'm a giant. I like to think that I stumbled upon some kind of medieval village and all the people there are cutting down their forests to provide me with food so I don't eat them. 


Secret Thought:

When I'm pooping I pretend that my body is sort of like the ship from Star Trek and all these little tiny people are inside of control rooms working hard together to make a good poop happen. After it's over, they congratulate each other and some of them get medals. 


Secret Thought:

Almost every single time I've ever been to church since I was about 5, I sit there pretending that Star Wars guys are having an epic battle and destroying every thing. Like Yoda is using the force to make crosses fly into the the chest of Storm Troopers and stuff. It's gets really bloody. It's messed up. It's all I can think about when I'm there. 

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Picture Of The Day



"I'm Tired Of Bronco Bamma And Mitt Romney"


It's ok little girl, it'll all be over soon. Unless it's extremely close and they have recounts. Or if it's a tie in the electoral college, which could actually happen. Then it becomes a real mess. Great, now I'm crying.


Picture Of The Day



Please Stop Donating Clothes To Poor Countries


I know, I know, but just go with me on this. You know that old t-shirt that you bought at Spencer Gifts in the mall? You were 19 and covered in pimples. Well, now you are 29, covered in pimples but you have much better taste. Now you wear clothes from Kmart. You've become quite the fashionista.

So, you open up an old box of the rags you once wore, and decide that you'll do a good deed for your lifetime. Instead of throwing them out, you will donate them to one of those drop-off boxes that promises to send the clothes to the very poor. Well, a lot of those clothes end up overseas. You see, lucky for us, our tax dollars already go to make sure that the poor in this country get checks in order to buy 200 dollar LeBron James shoes and classy denim dresses. Also, smart phones, flat screen tv's, laptops ... uh yeah, our poor isn't the same as their poor.


The real poor doesn't complain about only having the iPhone 3.

Anyhoo, what ends up happening is that our old dirty clothes get shipped overseas to extremely super-seriously poor countries. Well that sounds good. Those people are probably just walking around naked eating dirt all day. They'd love to wear our garbage. 


Until we in the U.S. decided that we were going to do are half-assed good deed, many of these very poor nations had begun creating textile industries. There was a real need, so people in those countries began to create a supply. Amazing. They are actual human beings with minds of their own who are capable of creating an industry, and therefore, a working economy. I had no idea. On the TV they just walk around with flies on their heads.

The textile industries in these countries provided not only clothing, but jobs. Jobs which paid money, money which was used to create more businesses. These businesses made things for people who suddenly had money to buy things. But then we decided to take a big fat dump on all that noise and give them our free garbage. Goodbye self-sustaining economy.

It's much easier to FEEL like you are helping people than to THINK about whether or not you actually are. Just like how it's easier to FEEL up strangers on the bus than it is to THINK about having a normal healthy relationship with a willing partner. I've said too much. 

I'm just sick and tired of seeing countless pictures of unkept poor people wearing dirty old vintage basketball jerseys. I can't tell if they are poor foreigners or just filthy hipsters. 

Besides ruining entire economies with our good deeds, look at what we are doing to these people: 


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Michael Noll: Wedding Photographer

I have a lot of friends who are professional photographers. Most of their business is wedding photography. They make butt-holes full of cash doing it. Picture that. I know, it sounds pretty great. Mine is only filled with Arby's and shame.  

My dear friend Alissa recently got hitched and I was invited to be out in public. (Take that probation officers!) While at the wedding I was encouraged along with the other guests to take pictures of all the events, then I was supposed to instagram them, tag them as #RonAndAlissa ... but that's kind of for like ... amateurs and stuff. I mean, I have a good eye, I know how to capture a moment. And anyone who used to visit my website: ... you know that I do. So, it got me thinking ... I like butt-holes full of money and my phone has a camera, I could totally be a professional wedding photographer. 

So, that's what I'm doing now. I am now a proffesenial (is that how you spell it? Looks right.) wedding photographer. It turns out, it's like super easy. Look at the quality of my work: 

The happy couple during their first dance. 




I don't think the camera was out of focus, it was open bar and this is exactly how I remember it. 

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5 Ways To Improve The Olympics


After watching an opening ceremony filled with a bunch of smoke stacks, sick kids jumping on beds to celebrate a health care system that has produced the world's worst teeth, and 50 Mary Poppins fighting a giant Voldermort puppet, I think it's time to revaluate the entire Olympics.  

So far, London is doing to the Olympics what Bobby did to Whitney. What's with all the empty seats? It's like going to a Joey Fatone solo concert. I don't even know why I go to those, I'm the only one ever there. And they are always in his house, and he acts all scared because he says he doesn't want to die and he's afraid of knives. I'm like, "it was not easy getting into this place again, so you will sing and dance and make magic happen!" Then he's all like, "please, just leave me alone, I'll do what you want, just put the knives down." I love those concerts. But anyway, I still have hope for the Olympics. But there need to be some changes.  

So here are 5 ways to improve the Olympics:

5. Dolphins - 

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