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Entries in facts (2)

Tuesday
May152012

8 Life Lessons Young People Need To Learn The Easy Way

 

Hey high school and college kids, and high school drop-outs and people who work at the bad Wendy's and always get my order wrong: ... you are young. You have your whole lives ahead of you. People tell you that the world is your oyster. That's true. You have an entire slimy world that smells like vag and will make you sick ahead of you. Congratulations. If you are old enough to have learned a basic ability to read, then read this, and wise up youths: 

8. Life doesn't owe you anything - "You're special." "You could be anything you want when you grow up." "You are unique." Chances are you aren't really special. I mean, if everyone is special, than no-one is. You can't be anything you want. If you are bad a math, you can't be a scientist. If you are in bad shape, you can't be a professional athlete. If you aren't talented, you can't be a famous actor. You might be able to make a sex tape with Ray Jay and be a Kardashian. But probably not. Your bottom is way too small and your dad didn't help O.J. Simpson get away with murdering people. 

If you want something in life, you have to work very hard to earn it. You have to sacrifice. Even then it might not happen. But if you do the right things in life and work hard, whatever it is that you do actually achieve, will feel like a victory.

 

7. You're unbelievably vulnerable - Do you think you can not die? Didn't you see The Hunger Games? If you think that being young awards you some kind of special invulnerability, well then, you have a pretty good chance of dying young. Young men and women are statistically the most vulnerable group to die from accidents. That's because you are all jackasses. I know this, because when I was a teenager, I was a jackass. You do not appreciate or understand the consequences of any actions you take. You just haven't made enough mistakes to learn from yet. Sheltering does that. Wear your seat belts and never listen to any of your idiot friends and their drunken brilliant ideas. 

 

6. You have no idea what you are talking about, ever - You know how adults don't seem to understand you sometimes? You think they just don't get it. No, they get it, they just think you are a moron. But that's only because you are a moron. They hear the gobbledygook spewing out of your mouth and realize they raised little idiots. Don't worry, it's too late for them to abort you. Plus, you wont always be an idiot, but right now ... you are an idiot. 

5. You should really take better care of your body - You smoke, you drink too much, you eat terrible foods high in saturated fats. You are going to pay for all of that one day. You are going to pay hard. When you have diabetes, emphysema, and a giant beer belly that makes it look like you are 8 months pregnant. How cool are going to feel then? You'll be asked by strangers if they can touch your belly to see if the baby is kicking, and you are a dude. You suck, eat better and work out a little and stop smoking!

4. All the music you like is crap -

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Monday
Apr232012

5 Disgusting Things People Secretly Do

5. Hoping you get a pimple in a discreet place so you can pop it.


We do everything we can to prevent zits on our face. They look terrible and leave us feeling very self-conscious. However, deep down, we love pimples. They are like popping those bubbles in packaging wrap, except popping a zit has a free prize inside. The moment of relief you feel when that bump of disgusting oily infection explodes between your fingers is unlike any other feeling, ever. Maybe the closest thing would be landing on the moon, or winning a gold medal. Popping a huge pimple is my gold medal. A black head is a silver medal, and a splinter is the bronze. Nobody wants the bronze.

 

4. Searching for a huge chunk of wax in your ear.


Sometimes a Q-tip just doesn't get the job done, and your pinky finger or little toe are just way too large. That's when you get creative. That's when you find the paper clip and you do what is necessary. You search. 

I'm pretty sure most doctors would agree that blindly placing a small metal object into your ear canal looking for something to remove, is a smart idea. I once found a Tic-Tac in my ear. What if I hadn't found that? That could have been very dangerous. And it was only moments after I put a Tic-Tac in my ear. 

 

3. Guessing how much you left in the toilet and then looking.


Forget Monopoly and Scrabble, America's favorite game is "How much no. 2 did I just make?" We all play it, some of us who eat a lot of bean dip, play it several times a day. And it's not as easy as it would seem. It can be very tricky. You have to develop some real skills to be good at this game. I've gotten pretty good at it, but that's only because of practice and strategy. 

You have to have a system to be good at this. You can't always tell if you made a lot or a little just from feel. I ask myself these questions before I look:

- "What have I eaten since the last time I did this?"

- "How much of a splash, if any, did I feel on my cheeks? 

- "What was the reaction of the Chinese lady (the one I pay to watch me) after I made?"

Usually I can take these clues and make and educated guess. But, then I'm still wrong like half the time, and sometimes it just looks odd. I should probably see a doctor. 

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