Hey high school and college kids, and high school drop-outs and people who work at the bad Wendy's and always get my order wrong: ... you are young. You have your whole lives ahead of you. People tell you that the world is your oyster. That's true. You have an entire slimy world that smells like vag and will make you sick ahead of you. Congratulations. If you are old enough to have learned a basic ability to read, then read this, and wise up youths:
8. Life doesn't owe you anything - "You're special." "You could be anything you want when you grow up." "You are unique." Chances are you aren't really special. I mean, if everyone is special, than no-one is. You can't be anything you want. If you are bad a math, you can't be a scientist. If you are in bad shape, you can't be a professional athlete. If you aren't talented, you can't be a famous actor. You might be able to make a sex tape with Ray Jay and be a Kardashian. But probably not. Your bottom is way too small and your dad didn't help O.J. Simpson get away with murdering people.
If you want something in life, you have to work very hard to earn it. You have to sacrifice. Even then it might not happen. But if you do the right things in life and work hard, whatever it is that you do actually achieve, will feel like a victory.
7. You're unbelievably vulnerable - Do you think you can not die? Didn't you see The Hunger Games? If you think that being young awards you some kind of special invulnerability, well then, you have a pretty good chance of dying young. Young men and women are statistically the most vulnerable group to die from accidents. That's because you are all jackasses. I know this, because when I was a teenager, I was a jackass. You do not appreciate or understand the consequences of any actions you take. You just haven't made enough mistakes to learn from yet. Sheltering does that. Wear your seat belts and never listen to any of your idiot friends and their drunken brilliant ideas.
6. You have no idea what you are talking about, ever - You know how adults don't seem to understand you sometimes? You think they just don't get it. No, they get it, they just think you are a moron. But that's only because you are a moron. They hear the gobbledygook spewing out of your mouth and realize they raised little idiots. Don't worry, it's too late for them to abort you. Plus, you wont always be an idiot, but right now ... you are an idiot.
5. You should really take better care of your body - You smoke, you drink too much, you eat terrible foods high in saturated fats. You are going to pay for all of that one day. You are going to pay hard. When you have diabetes, emphysema, and a giant beer belly that makes it look like you are 8 months pregnant. How cool are going to feel then? You'll be asked by strangers if they can touch your belly to see if the baby is kicking, and you are a dude. You suck, eat better and work out a little and stop smoking!
4. All the music you like is crap -