5 Great Ways To Beat The Heat

It's hot out. It seems like almost once a year we have something terrible called "summer." It's good time for us to act like we've never experienced anything like it before.

Filthy hippies say it's global warming. Maybe. But it might have more to do with the fact that it's summer. Plus our tiny planet is closer this time of year to a star that is 1,392,000k in diameter and is pretty much a giant unimaginably powerful ball of hate.

To put the sun's mass and power into perspective for all the hippies out there busy smoking doobies and blaming others for their smell, the sun makes up 99.8% of all the mass in the entire solar system. In hippie terms, that'd be like if someone had a van filled with pot and you only had one spliff. What a bummer huh? Yeah, well that's the solar system idiot. 

But we here at the MN Institute (it's really just me, and i'm so lonely) have compiled a list of 5 helpful ways to beat the heat:

5. Kill Yourself

It's too hot. There is no chance that it will ever not be this hot again. So instead of complaining about it on facebook, the best thing to do is to end your existence on this planet. This planet is just way too hot. Scientology tells us that through years of auditing and reincarnations of are alien souls we'll eventually all be Tom Cruise and star in Rock Of Ages. So, killing yourself and not someday becoming Tom Cruise is a good way to beat the heat.

4. Peeing On Yourself And Loved Ones

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Michael Noll's Relationship Advice

Important Note: Michael Noll has literally no professional experience or even a basic education. He was considered to be "feral" until the age of 16. Taking any advice from him should be considered dangerous and really irresponsible on your part.

A couple weeks ago on tumblr and facebook I asked people to send me their real relationship questions. I was surprised by how many thoughtful responses people sent me. Here is my thoughtless advice: 

 - Anonymous Guy from Los Angeles

"Hey Michael, here is my question. I've been friends with this girl for a lot of years. We made out once a few weeks ago. We were drunk. But now I think she wants to date me. I might be interested. What should I do next?" 

Dear Anonymous Guy from Los Angeles,

I would get an AIDS test. She might have given you AIDS. Hope that helps.   

- Anonymous Girl From Ohio

Help Michael Noll, my boyfriend has bad style! He wears tapout t-shirts and sneakers with jeans. I want to change how he dresses but I don't want to hurt his feelings. What should I say to him? 

Dear Anonymous Girl From Ohio,

If he wears Tapout t-shirts he is clearly a professional fighter, so I would be very cautious when confronting him. Just calmly explain to him that you feel he could try expanding his wardrobe. Maybe adding some classier brands. Things like Ed Hardy, Affliction, and t-shirts with Bud Light logos. Also, I would revaluate all of my life decisions, stop frosting my hair, and move to a new state. 

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