It's hot out. It seems like almost once a year we have something terrible called "summer." It's good time for us to act like we've never experienced anything like it before.
Filthy hippies say it's global warming. Maybe. But it might have more to do with the fact that it's summer. Plus our tiny planet is closer this time of year to a star that is 1,392,000k in diameter and is pretty much a giant unimaginably powerful ball of hate.
To put the sun's mass and power into perspective for all the hippies out there busy smoking doobies and blaming others for their smell, the sun makes up 99.8% of all the mass in the entire solar system. In hippie terms, that'd be like if someone had a van filled with pot and you only had one spliff. What a bummer huh? Yeah, well that's the solar system idiot.
But we here at the MN Institute (it's really just me, and i'm so lonely) have compiled a list of 5 helpful ways to beat the heat:
5. Kill Yourself
It's too hot. There is no chance that it will ever not be this hot again. So instead of complaining about it on facebook, the best thing to do is to end your existence on this planet. This planet is just way too hot. Scientology tells us that through years of auditing and reincarnations of are alien souls we'll eventually all be Tom Cruise and star in Rock Of Ages. So, killing yourself and not someday becoming Tom Cruise is a good way to beat the heat.
4. Peeing On Yourself And Loved Ones