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Wednesday
Oct032012

Romney VS. Obama: Master Debate Analysis 

 

 

First of all, wait a second, Barack Obama is black? When did this happen? Good lord, what's next? Are we going to allow women to drive? Sheesh. 

Secondly, why do Mormons all look so healthy? Is it the whole not smoking, drinking alcohol, and living a really clean life thing? Ugh, I could not be Mormon. I mean I don't smoke but, well, yeah ugh.

Ok, so back to the debate ...

I really like debates. I am a master at it. I am a master debater. I master debate like all the time. Today alone, I mastered debating like 3 times. Once in the shower, twice in the dressing room at JC Penny's. I've said too much. 

 

 

Here is my Master Debating analysis:

Mitt Romney actually won this. I honestly didn't expect that.

Listen jerks, I am a Libertarian Conservative. There are a lot of contradictions in that, but I'm a complicated person, so suck it. I pretty much have hated all our leaders for a very long time. I still do, and I still will. But, Romney impressed me. I wasn't a big fan of his. I thought of him as a simple autocrat. In this debate he proved to be a thoughtful thinker who has a sincere sense of business and a realistic plan to improve our very shitty economy. I also like his sideburns. 

Obama, I'm sorry, but I just plain don't like him. I find him to be arrogant, self-obsessed, and clueless. I liked Bill Clinton, he was a total dick, but I liked him. I liked Hillary Clinton, she's looking pretty bad right now with what happened in Lybia, but I like her. She's a serious person.

Hillary should have been president. Not McCain (war hero), and not Obama (wrote 2 books about himself.)

Going into this, I was planning to make fun of Mitt Romney ... a lot. I wrote like 3 paragraphs of jokes about him before this debate. But, I have to be honest, he won this debate and he was impressive. Now, I have to delete most of my Mormon jokes. Thanks a lot jerk. 

Now onto Barack Obama. So many of my readers love him. They voted for him. They don't want to admit they were overly exuberant. I understand that. That's ok. But, you have to realize deep down that he really has no idea what the hell he's doing. "Hope and Change" ... yeah that's kind of a big bucket of bullshit huh? What change has there been? Where is all this hope? 

I pay more for gas, my small business has been hurt, and the horrible area I live in has declined greatly.

Mitt Romney might be completely out of touch. He probably is. I don't have any idea if he'll be a good president. He might be horrible. 

Barak Obama has had 4 years to improve the country. He has not. I don't think he has any idea what eff he's doing. 

I wish we had better candidates than these two. I kinda hate them both, but I now hate the guy who wears magic underwear a whole lot less. 

If I had it my way we'd have Hillary Clinton vs. my super-fat-favorite governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie. Then we'd have a real choice. They both have nice racks. 

Oh, and if you are one of those people who thinks this erection is all about your vagina, then first of all, you have a vagina, then second of all, c'mon ... don't use it to think with. We have real issues. Issues like I wrote "erection" instead of "election," ha, did you notice that?! See, I told you I was a Master Debater. 

Tuesday
Oct022012

Please Stop Donating Clothes To Poor Countries

 

I know, I know, but just go with me on this. You know that old t-shirt that you bought at Spencer Gifts in the mall? You were 19 and covered in pimples. Well, now you are 29, covered in pimples but you have much better taste. Now you wear clothes from Kmart. You've become quite the fashionista.

So, you open up an old box of the rags you once wore, and decide that you'll do a good deed for your lifetime. Instead of throwing them out, you will donate them to one of those drop-off boxes that promises to send the clothes to the very poor. Well, a lot of those clothes end up overseas. You see, lucky for us, our tax dollars already go to make sure that the poor in this country get checks in order to buy 200 dollar LeBron James shoes and classy denim dresses. Also, smart phones, flat screen tv's, laptops ... uh yeah, our poor isn't the same as their poor.

 

The real poor doesn't complain about only having the iPhone 3.

Anyhoo, what ends up happening is that our old dirty clothes get shipped overseas to extremely super-seriously poor countries. Well that sounds good. Those people are probably just walking around naked eating dirt all day. They'd love to wear our garbage. 

Except:

Until we in the U.S. decided that we were going to do are half-assed good deed, many of these very poor nations had begun creating textile industries. There was a real need, so people in those countries began to create a supply. Amazing. They are actual human beings with minds of their own who are capable of creating an industry, and therefore, a working economy. I had no idea. On the TV they just walk around with flies on their heads.

The textile industries in these countries provided not only clothing, but jobs. Jobs which paid money, money which was used to create more businesses. These businesses made things for people who suddenly had money to buy things. But then we decided to take a big fat dump on all that noise and give them our free garbage. Goodbye self-sustaining economy.

It's much easier to FEEL like you are helping people than to THINK about whether or not you actually are. Just like how it's easier to FEEL up strangers on the bus than it is to THINK about having a normal healthy relationship with a willing partner. I've said too much. 

I'm just sick and tired of seeing countless pictures of unkept poor people wearing dirty old vintage basketball jerseys. I can't tell if they are poor foreigners or just filthy hipsters. 

Besides ruining entire economies with our good deeds, look at what we are doing to these people: 

 

Click to read more ...

Sunday
Sep302012

Michael Noll: Wedding Photographer

I have a lot of friends who are professional photographers. Most of their business is wedding photography. They make butt-holes full of cash doing it. Picture that. I know, it sounds pretty great. Mine is only filled with Arby's and shame.  

My dear friend Alissa recently got hitched and I was invited to be out in public. (Take that probation officers!) While at the wedding I was encouraged along with the other guests to take pictures of all the events, then I was supposed to instagram them, tag them as #RonAndAlissa ... but that's kind of for like ... amateurs and stuff. I mean, I have a good eye, I know how to capture a moment. And anyone who used to visit my website: UpskirtNuns.org ... you know that I do. So, it got me thinking ... I like butt-holes full of money and my phone has a camera, I could totally be a professional wedding photographer. 

So, that's what I'm doing now. I am now a proffesenial (is that how you spell it? Looks right.) wedding photographer. It turns out, it's like super easy. Look at the quality of my work: 

The happy couple during their first dance. 

 

Meat. 

 

I don't think the camera was out of focus, it was open bar and this is exactly how I remember it. 

Click to read more ...

Monday
Aug272012

Picture Of The Day

 

Monday
Aug272012

Back In The 80's Having A Perm Was Almost As Bad As Being "A Black Boy"

 

Poor Eileen, all she wanted to do was look awesome with her perm and boy clothes. But then she started getting made fun of by fellow students who pointed out that she looked like a boy. But as if this wasn't hurtful enough to Eileen, some kids even said that she looked like a "black boy." Kids can be so cruel. 

Watch this clip from a PBS special:

 

I really don't think she looks like a "black boy." But she did look like a boy. I knew she wasn't though, because she kinda acted like a bitch. 

Friday
Aug242012

Meet Mother Of The Year: June

 

June is known as the coupon queen. She used to be known as Han Solo's nemises in the Star Wars movies. She is the mother of "Honey Boo Boo Child." A cute and funny little girl who is pretty much being completely exploited by moronic parents and a blood sucking cable network known as TLC. 

"Honey Boo Boo" is the breakout star from TLC's other abomination, Toddler's & Tiaras. A show entirely devoted to the creepy child pageant industry and the horrific loser parents responsible. 

 Here is an example of the show that almost makes The Kardashians look like human beings. Almost. 

I never cringe once at the little girl. She's a little girl. But every time I see her "mother" or I hear the crackling of the show's producers and crew, I wanna call child services and make a complaint. 

It's one thing to live vicariously through your child. It's another thing to be a cable network doing it. When will people stop exploiting children? Can't we just all agree that it's not ok? That way we can spend more time exploiting midgets and sluts. That's completely ok. 

Tuesday
Aug212012

Game Of Thrones Cat

I love the HBO show Game Of Thrones. Every episode is an event for me. That's a very sad statement.

I also love cat videos. Every cat video is an event for me. Oh my God, that's an even sadder statement. 

So just imagine how excited I was when I first watched a video of a cat meowing the entire Game Of Thrones theme? And then imagine how excited I still was after I watched it for the 50th time. I really need to go outside more often. 

Watch:

Click to read more ...