It's hot out. It seems like almost once a year we have something terrible called "summer." It's good time for us to act like we've never experienced anything like it before.
Filthy hippies say it's global warming. Maybe. But it might have more to do with the fact that it's summer. Plus our tiny planet is closer this time of year to a star that is 1,392,000k in diameter and is pretty much a giant unimaginably powerful ball of hate.
To put the sun's mass and power into perspective for all the hippies out there busy smoking doobies and blaming others for their smell, the sun makes up 99.8% of all the mass in the entire solar system. In hippie terms, that'd be like if someone had a van filled with pot and you only had one spliff. What a bummer huh? Yeah, well that's the solar system idiot.
But we here at the MN Institute (it's really just me, and i'm so lonely) have compiled a list of 5 helpful ways to beat the heat:
5. Kill Yourself
It's too hot. There is no chance that it will ever not be this hot again. So instead of complaining about it on facebook, the best thing to do is to end your existence on this planet. This planet is just way too hot. Scientology tells us that through years of auditing and reincarnations of are alien souls we'll eventually all be Tom Cruise and star in Rock Of Ages. So, killing yourself and not someday becoming Tom Cruise is a good way to beat the heat.
4. Peeing On Yourself And Loved Ones
Can't find an easily accessible source of hydration? Wish you had a flow of liquid to wet you down and keep you from burning up under the sun's cruel rays? Well look down to your ding-dong fellas, and look down about an inch and half further to your who-ha's ladies. There's your answer right there. God gave us all our personal super-soakers, it was obviously meant for hot summer days like these. Ladies I know you might have a slightly more difficult time making full use of this natural gift. Maybe if you hadn't let the New York Knicks run on a train on you, it'd be easier. Just clench up and pee on yourself, your friends and family. It's a great way to beat the heat.
I've noticed that some of you have so many layers upon layers of self-pity that you can actually use it as a very effective sun repellent. You just have so much, because your lives are sooooo hard. I mean, you had to buy a new smart phone because your other one couldn't handle all of your games. You had to buy a new car because your old car didn't even have a built-in navigation system. And you even had to wait one whole week to see your boyfriend or girlfriend again because they were visiting family. You have someone who doesn't hate you in your life, even though you suck, and you had to wait one whole week to see them? You poor, poor thing. The good news is that all of those layers upon layers of self-pity can be used as a natural heat repellent. It's a good way to keep cool and beat the heat.
Alcohol thins your blood and my dangerously poor knowledge of biology tells me that if your blood is thin, then your body will be less hot. Plus you'll be drunk and wont care. For hot summer days like these, I recommend the following fun cocktail to keep you cool.
What you'll need:
8 ounces of pure grain alcohol
I small bag of lemons
Quickly drink the 8 ounces of pure grain alcohol and use the bag of lemons to brace your fall.
It's a great way to beat the heat.
1. The Pool
That's it. Just go hang out in a pool for a while. It's a great way to beat the heat.