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Tuesday
May082012

The Avengers Review By Michael Noll

 

Marvel's The Avengers is a huge smash-bang-epic-fun, summer blockbuster that just shattered the U.S. opening weekend box office record. I had been really looking forward to this movie, I liked the first Iron Man movie, I liked Thor, I liked Captain America, and I liked Lost In Translation. It wasn't as great as I had hoped it would be. A little slow at the beginning and at times it had Transformer's Syndrome, that's where there is so much going on all at once that your eyes bleed a little, and you pee a bit. But after watching it a 2nd time, I've decided that it's just a ton of fun. 

Here is a recap of what I thought of the many, many characters in the movie:

Iron Man:

Robert Downey Jr. was offered the role of Iron Man after Ed Begley Jr. turned it down due to prior commitments. He owns the role. Anyone who is familiar with the comic knows that Tony Stark is a lovable, egotistical, sarcastic, hot headed, genius. I can dig that. Actually I'm sort of working on my own version of an Iron Man suit of armor. I figure, I'm smart, I have a certain confidence, I can totally do that in real life. Sure, I don't have billions of dollars so it's just me running around my street nude with a pan on my head. But I'm working on upgrades.

Thor:

Thor Tha Thor Thor Thooooor. I like Thor. He talks fancy but he fights with a hammer like the guy in Old Boy. Thor is sort of the reason for the Avengers. I don't remember exactly why because they guy next to me in the theater had kicking breath and was wearing Brut. 

Captain America:

I kind of hated Chris Evans after I saw him in that HORRIBLE Fantastic Four movie. But, I have to say, he makes for a very convincing old school styled Captain America. And his shield in the movie is awesome. I need that shield. I would use it to fight off all of the horrible people on the internet. 

Hulk:

Imagine the Green Giant mixed with Meatloaf on Celebrity Apprentice, that's the Hulk. And finally they got him right. He's actually the best comic relief in the movie. But how do his pants stay on? You don't see his jolly green johnson at any point. Good for me, bad for you ladies who are into that kind of thing. He would ruin you. He's the best comedy relief in the movie. Well, besides when innocent people die of course.  

Black Widow: 

First I see her open mouth kiss Bill Murray after getting the whisper treatment in Lost In Translation, then I don't see her again until she's bare ass on the internet, and then I don't see her again until she is suddenly one of the greatest hand-to-hand combat fighters in the entire word. I'm very confused by this character. But after watching it a 2nd time, I realize that whatever Bill Murray told her, really pissed her off. 

Hawkeye:

Bows and arrows are cool. Katniss from The Hunger Games, Legolas from Lord Of The Rings, and now Clint Barton aka Hawkeye in The Avengers. Well guess what nerds? They totally sell Bows and Arrows at Wal Mart, and I totally have a self inflated sense of my potential talents. In other words, You'll probably find an arrow stuck in the hood of your car later. It was a threat.

Nick Fury:

When I was young, Nick Fury was white. But then Obama became president and Marvel realized they only had a few black characters and they kind of sucked (Luke Cage has really calloused skin, and Halle Berry ruined Storm. Nice accent idiot.) So suddenly, abracadabra, Mace Windu is Nick Fury. Whatever. He's fine. 

Loki:

The real star of the Thor movie is kind of the real star of The Avengers. Tom Hiddleston is an actor's actor. He's the real deal. Talent, and charisma. He's be a great Doctor Who. I now conclude the nerd portion of this review. 

Blankman:

Kind of a surprise really. But what he does at the end to completely embarrass the Wayan's family even more than they already should be embarrassed, is truly extraordinary.

Kane:

One of the original avengers, his fights against The Undertaker and The Rock are comic book legend, but when he pile drives Batman, the audience really came to life. (I had a few drinks before watching the movie.)

Three Amigos' Ned Nederlander:

Probably my favorite Avenger. He seems like the quiet type. Regaling the other Avengers with stories of Dorothy Gish in "Little Neddy, Grab Your Gun." But when he shoots Loki right in the nuts and saves Gotham City and Superman everyone in the audience stood up and applauded. It was weird though, because, again i was drunk, and I wasn't even in the theater when this happened? Where the hell was I? My skull hurts : / 

Alf:

I think. I'm not positive, but i'm pretty sure this is the character I saw after the credits. The next villain maybe? 

So, I liked The Avenger's.

I give it 33 out of 43 stars!

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

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