5. People Who Don't Use Turn Signals -
I've noticed lately that people have stopped raising their hand a full two inches from their iPhone and taco in order to turn on their car's turn signal and let me know which way they are going. Oh, that's fine. No problem. Of course before turning, they brake first. Braking means that the cars behind them have to suddenly brake as well, even though they had no reason to anticipate having to do so. But the people who don't use turn signals don't seem to care about this. This is the most important thing in the entire world and anyone who refuses to use their turn signal is worse than Hitler and I hope they get a brand new disease, a disease that is so rare it will have to be named after them. USE YOUR TURN SIGNAL! It's easy, and unlike your schwartz while watching "Dance Mom's" .... it's NOT hard!
Use your turn signal!!!!
4. Hipsters -
Look, I know you want to feel cool. I know you want to fit into some group. I know you want to feel popular among a very small social group. I know that you suck really bad at sports, and I know you aren't smart enough to work for a tech company. It's ok. I understand. I myself once owned a pair of Cross Colors jeans. But I was 12 and I didn't know any better. You are in your 20's and 30's and following trends so closely that it just looks to your parents and myself like you are pathetic and desperate.
You really don't look very cool to anyone outside of your circle. I know you might think that all the regular people are jealous of your style and your American Apparel half shirt, the one that already comes with the pit stains, but really ... nobody is jealous of you.
Normal people just kind of think you are a follower who are so desperate to fit in that you'll dress like a complete jackass so that the other jackasses will approve of you. It doesn't seem like you are individuals, or interesting people. It just seems like you don't wash yourself as much as you should, and are completely empty inside.
Try being yourself, no matter what that is. Whatever it is that you really are, just be that. If you do, and you don't care what people think, eventually you'll be cool. Because the only truly cool people in this world, are those who don't compromise themselves for the sake of popularity. Of course if deep down you suck as a person in every way, nobody will like you if you are yourself. So in that case, dress like a weirdo so that girls who refuse to shave their legs or guys who refuse to wear deodorant will want to make out with you.
3. The Kardashian Sisters -
Q: What happens to people in this country who have no discernible skills, no talents, no signs of intelligence, no morals, no class, and no normal pants that fit?
A: They earn 40 million dollars.
The Kardashians are the worst thing in the entire world. Ever. Hitler is being daisy-chained in Hell right now by the Devil, Count Dracula, and Justin Bieber, and he even thinks the Kardashians are a poor example to young people.
If you are young, do everything you can to not be the Kardashians. Study in school, learn a trade, be good inside. Do not fill yourself with money, evil, and professional athlete's yogurt.
p.s. your dad helped O.J. kill people and your mom is looser than a 6 year old's baby teeth.
2. People Who Constantly Post About Politics On Facebook -
Wow, I had no idea that either Republicans or Democrats were so evil until you posted that very insightful made up graph that someone sent in a mass email. It must be true because it's on the Internet. And I had no idea that I was racist, sexist, homophobic, against guns, against the constitution, or against America until you, in your infinite internet wisdom, posted a status update that told me so.
Half the people you know don't agree with your politics. You are changing noone's mind, and you know this. When you post political stuff what you are really doing is this:
- Getting people who already agree with you to give you attention.
That's sad. You are sad. You make me and my dog cry.
So congratulations, you didn't bring a single person to your side. You didn't change any minds, you didn't add anything interesting to a debate. You just got some cheap Facebook "likes" from people who already believe the same b.s. that you believe.
C'mon, stop being annoying and pretentious, just post funny pictures of your dogs and cats. That is all that people actually care about. That and the posts on my website. Obviously.
1. Carson Daly:
I thought I defeated you long ago. But it looks like my work is not done. Your personal banker in Hollywood once told me that you were really naive about finances, (True and long story.) That makes me sick. I count every penny and you spend all your money on nail polish and Backstreet Boy's she-male look-a-likes who give you succulent rub-downs (I can't prove this.)
So after you ruined MTV, you get a job having a late-late-late nighy talk show that NOBODY watches except for me, and i only watch from a very hateful place, and then you make out with Cee Lo and his cat (I can't prove this) and they give you a hosting gig on the horrible show, The Voice. Now you have a hit show, you are making tons of money, and can afford all the Backstreet Boy's she-male look-a-likes in the world (I can't prove this) meanwhile, there are starving babies all around this world!
Why God?! Why?!!!! Why did you let Pharaoh kill all the Hebrew babies, and why did you let Carson Daly have a successful career well into his late thirties?!
He used to paint one nail black. This was back in the 90's because it was a trend and one of the Backstreet Boys did it. Did you know that God? Did you? Well, you should have, and he should have been punished accordingly. I have asthma and two bad knees, and I never once painted one of my nails because I saw one of the Backstreet Boys do it. NEVER ONCE!
It's ok God, I understand. I have to remember that just because Carson Daly is a success doesn't mean that I am not. Except, at the moment I AM NOT AND CARSON DALY HAS TWO TV SHOWS AND HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A SOUL! Jesus? God? Allah? Please, one of you needs to correct this situation. The entire space time continuum counts on it!