Gasp Jeans Hates You

I buy all of my clothes in bulk from the grocery store, but I do understand that a lot of people out there enjoy being "fashion forward," and some of those people might have heard of "Gasp Jeans." For regular people the "Gasp" is probably the sound they make when they look at the price of their awful clothing. 

Their horrible jeans are so expensive, you can't afford shirts.

Recently, a woman named Keara O’Neil visited a Gasp store with some of her bridesmaids to look for dresses to wear for her dirty stripper whore party bachelorette party. But then they met Gasp sales assistant "Chris." "Chris" insisted they buy a certain dress. Keara explains:

"…I was unable to discuss the likes or dislikes of the dress with my bridesmaids as the sales assistant kept saying “you should just get it”, when I told him I would think about it, he pulled me aside and whispered “Is it the price you're worried about?” By now I was extremely frustrated, and again told him I’d think about it, I walked back into the change room and closed the door behind me, only to have it pushed open with the sales assistant half standing in my change room, again whispering “I think you should just get it”, when I gave him attitude and said rudely, “I already told you I would think about it”, he then replied, “With your figure I really think you should buy it."

Oh snap! "Chris," you went there. 

O’Neil goes on to explain that she left Gasp but "Chris" kept yelling at her to buy the dress. He told her bridesmaids that they should "Have fun finding something at Supre," and continued, "I knew you girls were a joke the minute you walked in." I googled Supre, and it has a nicer website than Gasp. Just sayin' "Chris." 

So Keara O’Neil emailed a complaint to Gasp. She was treated poorly, deserved an apology and a promise to do better in the future, right?  Well, manager Matthew Chidgey decided to respond in the most assholy way an asshole like Matthew Chidgey could respond. Here is his entire response:

Matthew Chidgey, manager fro Gasp writes:

"Dear Keara O’Neil,

Having now had the privilege of having both version of events, I am now in a position to respond to your complaint.

From the very outset, one thing that you should be mindful of is; Our product offerings are very, very carefully selected, so to ensure that we do not appeal to a broad customer base. This is something which is always at the forefront of our minds when undertaking buying duties.

The reason for this is to ensure that we only carry products which appeal to a very fashion forward consumer. This by default means that the customer whom is acclimatised to buying from “clothing for the masses” type retailers, is almost frightened by our range, sometimes we have found that this type of customer, almost finds our dresses funny, and on occasion noted comments such as ‘it looks like a dead flamingo’. When we receive comments like this, we like to give ourselves and our buyers, a big pat on the back, because we know we are doing our job right, and modus operandi is being upheld.

Puke!

Our range is worn by A list celebrities to the likes of Kim Kardashian, Selena Gomez and Katy Perry to name only a few. Now, as one might appreciate, the style counsel for these types of celebrities are not ones to pick “run of the mill” type clothing, and they do so on the basis to ensure that the styles are cutting edge, and only worn by a select few. Similarly these items are priced such that they remain inaccessible to the undesirable.

Insofar as our employee goes; Similar to our product offerings, our employees are selected with a similar approach. Chris whom served you is a qualified stylist whom has a sixth sense for fashion, and Chris’s only problem is that he is too good at what he does, and as I am sure you are aware, people whom are talented, generally do not tolerate having their time wasted, which is the reason you were provoked to leave the store.

Whilst I concede that you work for chain retailer, unfortunately that does not make us like for like. It is probably fair to assume, a lot of what I have said in this email, either doesn’t make sense to you, or you totally disagree with it all, which is what I would expect (unless of course I have you totally wrong – which I doubt).

Let me guess, you would never, ever hire Chris in the course of your duty, would you? This is the very reason, why your comment “from one retailer to another” is so disproportionate, it’s almost as though we are in a totally different industries. Chris is a retail superstar, who possess unparalleled ability, and I am sorry you feel upset by him, but he knew you were not going to buy anything before you even left your house.

So if you would like to do us any favours, please do not waste our retail staff’s time, because as you have already seen, they will not tolerate it. I am sure there are plenty of shops that appease your taste, so I respectfully ask that you side step our store during future window shopping expeditions.

Thank you for your enquiry."

I added the bold text to help illustrated just how completely horrible Matthew Chidgey, manager of the horrible Gasp Jeans brand is. Listen, if they have to make fancy jeans large enough to fit Kim Kardashian's fat ass in, you probably don't want them anyway. 

Because her dad helped a murderer beat the rap, and she's rich, Gasp says this is desirable.

If you'd like to contact Gasp Jeans and tell them why you believe they are everything that is wrong with the world and you hope karma is real so that they each spontaneous combust from being overly fabulous, then feel free to contact them: here