If I Had My Own Store

If I had my own store, it would be the best and most awesome store ever. It would make Target look like K-mart, and nobody wants that. My store would be called Nollmart and our slogan would be "Nollmart, home of falling."  That's it. 

Instead of old people and the mentally retarded greeting you when you entered it would be a giant ape with a an extreme hatred for human beings. (I kinda abused him for sport.)

Once you enter the store you will be dazzled by an array of lasers, strobe lights and dozens of humming birds flying around loose. Every thing in the store will be in it's own section. Unlike Giant Eagle and Ralphs, that have no idea what they are doing, my store will be categorised in the only way that makes sense. By how funny it is. For instance, navy beans will now be in the same aisle as tampons. Fruit and vegetables will also be in the same aisle as tampons. Meat will be in the aisle with shotguns and beer. And adult diapers will be in the same aisle as Activia and tacos. 

I will also have my own version of Giant Eagle's Fuel Perks. 

It's very similar, don't complain.

But the best part of my store will be the savings. No double coupons, but ...

If you can defeat Mutenbi, you will save hundreds of dollars each year on groceries. Mutenbi is from Rwanada, he was one of the guys hacking of all the limbs of the children. The children trusted him because of his size, but that was the last time they ever trusted anything in their lives. He has so many funny stories. But when it comes to Nollmart's prices, he's all business. You defeat Mutenbi in a fair-and-square machete fight, and your grocery bill is 10% off. At Nollmart we pass the savings on to you, through blood sport.

Laugh at his size if you must, but he used to be 6'5'' till his legs pissed him off. Just sayin'.

It's important to have a good logo that is easily recognizable to the general public. This will be the Nollmart logo:

Black letters against a black background. Modern and sleek. 

Unlike the growing trend of self-checkout lines, we at Nollmart believe in good old fashioned human interaction. Our checkout and baggers will get you through the line quickly and safely. There will be a '6 items or less' line, as well as a '42 items or less' line, and a 'exactly 27 items' line. By the way, each egg in a carton will count as an item. Making the checkout experience easier is Nollmarts highest priority. 

And how annoying is it when you get a cart that has a squeaky wheel? That sound is like finger nails on a chalkboard. Well, at Nollmart we can't promise the carts wont squeak, but you'll hardly notice it. That's because the sound is drowned out by the constant meowing of the complimentary starving cat you'll find in each cart. Good luck getting a free hungry cat at K-Mart loser. 

So, stay tuned for more updates about Nollmart. If the Dollar General worked for Nollmart, he'd be a lieutenant. I don't know what that means.