Life Lessons From Michael Noll

I've learned a lot in my 33 years on Earth. I've learned about the world, I've learned about people, I've learned that itchy bottom when you sleep makes smelly finger when you wake. I've learned many things. 

I'd like to share some of my life lessons with you. These are nuggets of wisdom that have served me well and helped me to become the man I am today. 

WARNING: this is the man I am today: 

Life can be cruel, unforgiving, and stupid. But if you absorb my wisdom, you will have the tools to endure the hardships and inequalities on your journey. 

Violence never solves anything, except for all your problems.

The quickest way to a man’s heart isn’t food. It's food that has parasitic worms.

Covering your hand in glue because you like the feeling of peeling it off does not make you a bad person, but society will never accept you. 

Popping zits is a great way to get a scar, and it's fun. 

It’s ok for a grown man to feel sad, and even cry. Just make sure you change your tampon after.

 

Humor can help you get through painful times. Said the guy in the clown wig during my rape.

No one ever said life was going to be fair. Except for my third grade teacher, Mrs. Alexander. That lying bitch.

People spend so much time and money collecting stuff. It's silly when you think about it. It's not like you can take it with you when you die. Unless you put it inside your butt.  

I used to be a pessimist. Now I’m an optimist. It'll never last.

The expression, "You gotta know when to hold them, and know when to fold them." does NOT apply to your own testicles.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me! Fool me three times, well you're just kind of a dick then.

The best part about therapy is having an emotionally detached, impartial, and rational person who has a scientific understanding of how the mind works to help guide you through your own thoughts and feelings … that and the balloons.

When life hands you lemons, you can make lemonade. But you can't sell it for very much, so it's pretty much not even worth it. 

Some of the kindest people I know are atheist, some of the most peaceful people I know are Muslim, some of the most generous people I know are Jewish. Enjoy burning in Hell jerks. 

I once complained that I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. And that asshole had my shoes!