I'm Michael Noll And My Heart Could Explode At Any Moment

So I haven't been feeling well lately. Pretty much for the past 35 years I've felt like crap. I'm only 34. I didn't even feel good in the womb. When my mom was pregnant, she kept eating vegetables. Nobody likes those. 

Throughout my life I've been an active guy. I played sports and I like working out. But in recent years, I really haven't felt so great. Then in the past few months I felt horrible.  I felt like my heart was about to explode in my body and destroy the entire universe. The fact that I thought if my heart exploded the universe would explode is another issue for another post.

Anyhoo, I felt terrible and I knew something wasn't right. 

So I ended up getting checked up a bit. An Arab heart doctor gave me some news. I only mention that he is an Arab because I believe he might be a member of Al Qaeda and my health issues are likely somehow retribution for the death of Osama Bin Laden. It's the only thing that makes sense. Why else would I have health issues? It couldn't possibly be from genetics, diet and extreme stress. Damn Al Qaeda!

According to Osama Bin My Heart Doctor, I have hypertension. I got the high blood pressure and I got it real bad. Crazy bad for my age, weight, height, dance skills and charming personality. You might like the zombie tv show but I'm the real Walking Dead. My blood pressure is super high. Even Willie Nelson thinks it's too high. 

When Osama gave me the news, my blood pressure was ... drum roll ....

176 over 108

It should be like 120 over 80. 

So Osama Bin My Heart Doctor says that I have to make the following major changes in my life:

First: Change my diet.

No more of that all salt diet I was on. I have to start eating celery, unsalted nuts and lots of fiber. I have to poop every day now, not just once a decade. I have to drink water and avoid delicious succulent salt. 

Second: Cardio.

I have to do a bunch of freakin cardio. I can't just lift weights, that is not good health. The terrorist said that I have to work my heart and lungs and not just my muscles. He also inquired as to why my right arm muscles are so much larger than my left and my penis is chaffed. 

Third:  Reduce stress.

This is a tough one for me. I'm not going to get into it (that's for the book,) but my life has always been very stressful. So now I have to find ways to reduce that stress. Finding ways to reduce stress is really stressful.

I can do yoga but I am not a woman or a homosexual. Not that their is anything wrong with either of those, but I just wouldn't be good at it. I could do meditation, which is difficult because I have internet. 

I have to take this stuff seriously, more seriously than this post. I have a lot to live for, I'm getting hitched this year to a beautiful and amazing girl who seems fond of me, I have some family people who have varying degrees of affection for me, plus my awesome dog Sandy, who adores me, needs to go on walks every day. I can't just have my heart explode, it's rude.  

Live Blogging The Oscars

It's that time of year again, the time when Hollywood bends itself in half and sucks its own wiener for four fast paced hours of non stop speeches by sound editors and foreign people who made movies about elephants or whatever. 

I'll comment about stuff until I change the channel or get distracted with Harlem Shake videos.

REFRESH YOUR BROWSER EVERY TEN MINUTES OR SO FOR UPDATES. I don't know why I'm shouting at you. 

7:43pm: I'm not watching the preshow because I don't care about the ladies outfits. However my outfit right now is jeans with a small hole in the crotch, and an orange t-shirt from Kohl's. 

7:58pm: My preshow predictions (not who I think should win) are Argo for best picture, Spielberg for best director, that catwoman chick for supporting actress, The Hunger Games girl for best actress, Tommy Lee Jones for supporting acting guy, Abraham Lincoln person for Abraham Lincoln movie, and Adele for singing stuff. I'm bad with names. 

8:48pm: Wow, I'd really like to make fun of Seth MacFarlane because I'm hateful, but he did a great job. Lots of inside jokes, and a nice song about boobs. I liked it. This is starting off horribly for me. 

Oh and Christoph Waltz won for best supporting actor. Good, I like him. He was great in that movie. I feel like I need more things to happen in this show that I can be angry about and mock. It's been almost an hour and I have nothing terrible to say. Jenny McCarthy is a dangerously stupid whore. There, it has nothing to do with the oscars, but I feel better. 

8:57pm: I have no idea what Paul Rudd and that giant green lady were talking about. 

9:07pm: Wow look at this old lady who just won for best cinematrapher, Claudio Miranda. 

9:11pm: What's with this movie about pie they keep talking about? I mean, I like pie, but I don't know if I want to watch an entire movie about it. Maybe if it was cake. 

9:24pm: Shirley Bassey is singing Goldfinger. I woke up the other day and wrote a similar song. I went to sleep with an itchy bottom. My song is called Brownfinger. 

She's 76 years old and just killed it singing that song. When I'm 76 I will be dead. 

9:39pm: They are showing clips from Lincoln. I love me some history. The John Adams miniseries is one of my favorite things ever. But the movie Lincoln was so dull, dreary, and bleak. An hour into the movie, I just wanted him to hurry up and go see a play. 

9:48pm: I'm reading a lot of criticism from the snobby Hollywood TV critics. Listen, they are all buddies with agents and like to have access, and they only get that if they are as snobby and self-important as the actors they suck up to all day. Seth MacFarlane is doing a great job, and I didn't expect to say so. He's turning off a lot the people in the room, but eff em. It's a TV show, and the younger audience might actually be watching this year. 

While I was writing that, some guy won for something. 

9:59pm: People are singing stuff. 

10:01pm: Wolverine and Catwoman are singing stuff with Borat. How is this just ok with everyone?  

10:15pm: I just ate a potato. 

10:19pm: Only me and my deceased Grandparents are getting that Sound Of Musical joke. Sigh ... I wish I was a deceased Grandparent :/  Someday.

10:23pm: Anne Hathaway won for that singing movie. Everyone makes fun of her hair. I think she looks good with short hair. I'm talking about her recent upskirt pictures. 

Glad she won, she's super good at acting.  

10:35pm: Adele is singing her James Bond song. I like Adele, everyone likes Adele. That's just something you have to say at all times so people don't hate you. But I actually do. That's also something you have to say at all times. 

11:20pm: I was in the bathroom for a long time. 

11:25pm: Glad the Argo guy won for adapted screenplay and really glad that Quentin Tarantino won for best original screenplay. Now I feel completely free to use the N-word in all of my writing. You are all going to love my children's book. 

11:34pm: Ang Lee just won for that movie about pie! I loved that Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon movie, and even that gay cowboy movie he did. The gay scenes were a bit much. It got a little hard watching them. Wait, I don't mean "hard" like that, I mean I'm just saying as a straight guy it wasn't all that fun to see Jake Gyllenhaal and The Joker buttsexin. Not that there is anything wrong with that, it's just not my cup of tea. My cup of tea has very little buttsexin. What I'm trying to say is I like Ang Lee. Except for when he made The Hulk, that was gay. 

11:44pm: Jennifer Lawrence won for Silver Linings Playbook. I love that movie, she was great. I have nothing negative to say about her. She wont take her top off. Ok, so I have one negative thing to say about her. 

11:48pm: Daniel Day Lewis won for Lincoln. He's good at acting. 

11:53pm: Michelle Obama? Oh c'mon, you have zero to do with movies and you are wearing a wig. I'm sick of all politicians. ALL OF THEM. Stop trying to ruin a really long show that I'm getting sick of! Don't you have better things to do than this? I would hope so, but apparently not. You might be a really nice lady, but I just don't want to see you on this. I don't want to see Jack Nicholson on this either. I'm sick of him too.

Whatever. Argo won. Good. I really liked that movie, and Ben Affleck has become a great director. I need to find something horrible to say to close this. But I enjoyed this show and I like the people who won. So I can't really think of anything to close with. 

Except for this. Just remember, you spent four hours of your life watching strangers give themselves awards. That is four hours you are closer to your death. 

Ok, this has been fun, good night everybody! I don't hate you! X0X0

What I'm Secretly Thinking

We all have secret thoughts. Just little things we think and keep to ourselves. I have many secret thoughts. And I'm still going to keep most of them to myself. But here are some that wont create an international incident. 

Secret Thought: 

When I eat pretzel sticks, I pretend they are logs and that I'm a giant. I like to think that I stumbled upon some kind of medieval village and all the people there are cutting down their forests to provide me with food so I don't eat them. 

Secret Thought:

When I'm pooping I pretend that my body is sort of like the ship from Star Trek and all these little tiny people are inside of control rooms working hard together to make a good poop happen. After it's over, they congratulate each other and some of them get medals. 

Secret Thought:

Almost every single time I've ever been to church since I was about 5, I sit there pretending that Star Wars guys are having an epic battle and destroying every thing. Like Yoda is using the force to make crosses fly into the the chest of Storm Troopers and stuff. It's gets really bloody. It's messed up. It's all I can think about when I'm there. 

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It's Black Friday

My Five Greatest Childhood Fears

Believe it or not, I was once a child. See: 

A perfectly normal human child. 

But I had many fears as a child. When I was a kid I was terrified of them, but now that I'm in my 30's I can look back at them and ... I'm still terrified of them. 

5. The Booger Man -

I got this one a little mixed up. I misheard people saying "Boogeyman" and I believed there was an actual creature made mostly out of boogers. I used to think I saw him hiding behind my tree in the backyard. I sorta thought how it worked was, if you have boogers, he wants them to add to his body. So, I used to take the boogers out of my nose and flush them down the toilet so he wouldn't break into my house and go through my wastebasket. Also, I feared he would murder me.

4. Todd -

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Picture Of The Day

Matt Lauer Sits Like A Creeper

Besides his weird "hair," and smug sense of self-importance while interviewing consequential people like Kim Kardashian, the thing that bothers me the most about Matt Lauer is the way he sits. 

It's not only extremely effeminate it's also creepy. He always looks like he's trying to rub his toes on the crotch of the person he's talking to. He's trying to play footsy. It makes me want to throw up on his face. 

Look at this weirdo:

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